Speechless...

I went to see T today. I wanted him to know our good news. I've known since the beginning of the month. When I took my at home pregnancy tests. I called to make a doctors appointment the following Monday. And well, I didn't get to see the doctor. But I did get to see a PA. And I got confirmation that I am pregnant. At this point, I'm 8 1/2 weeks! My first appointment with my doctor is March 5th. And well, I just wanted my husband to know what was going on. I think I owe him that much.

Well, I guess I was the one that was in for a shock. You see, we lived in 2 separate homes from June until the end of summer when I moved. We were separated. We had been through a lot of pain in a short amount of time. And we were just trying to work through it. He told everyone that he didn't want to live in our house if we weren't together. Because it was "Our House." He hadn't been living there. It was were I had lived. So I went to the townhouse he lived in when I first met him. T wasn't there. But I ran into a good friend of his. Someone that lives near him. He just casually told me that T was back at our home. That he was doing some work on the house.

So I drove to our house. I got there and T was painting. Painting 2 rooms. He was surprised that I was there. I rang the door bell. Because I just didn't feel right barging in. Even if I had been the last person to live there. He came to the door speckled in paint. And he had a surprised look on his face. You could tell, I was the last person he expected to see.

We made small talk as I came in. W, our dog, came running towards me. I miss him so much! And T told me that he had been painting a few rooms. One being his office. And he wanted to show it to me. You see, when we first had our house built, I didn't believe that dark brown would be a good color for his office. I thought it was too dark. And the room has a lot of weird angles and built ins. But T had just painted it.

And as we were making our way to the office, W was really close to me. Like he could sense something. I happened to see the other room he had painted, and felt so sick! I ran to the bathroom and the morning sickness took over. At the same time, I couldn't help but wonder why there was now a pastel bedroom in our house.

As I hugged the toilet, W was guarding me. Like he just knew what was going to happen next. T stood in the doorway, pissed off! His arms were crossed and the look on his face explained it all...

When I could, I got up. I rinsed my mouth. And tried to gain my footing. I felt horrible. Like I could pass out any second! And T was seeing red. He almost immediately began yelling. Demanding to know what was going on. I tried to calm him down. I had good news to share with him. And I didn't want it to come out like this. But he wasn't having it. It probably didn't help that W was right at my side.

I didn't know what else to do. I just took a deep breath and told T that we are expecting a baby. He blew up! Started cussing and walking back in forth. He had his hands on his head. Like it might explode. Like he couldn't understand what I was saying. Then he got up and walked away. I didn't know what to do. Or what to say. I know we hadn't planned this. But we always wanted to have kids.

After an hour, I got up from the couch. I figured T had calmed down enough. He was sitting in the pastel room. Staring out the window. Lost in his deep thoughts. So I turned around. I figured I'd head home. Give him some time and space to think and process this. Heck, I've had almost 3 weeks to process our news.

Instead, he told me to stop. He needed to tell me something. He is expecting another baby. A girl. And she's due in May. Hello! I just felt like someone pulled the floor out from under me. I slide down the wall. And just sat. That room we were in, it's going to be the baby's nursery. I was sitting in his baby's nursery. How did this happen?

Here I thought, we were trying to make our marriage work. We were trying to go on dates every couple of days. Just depending on our schedules. We were talking about maybe moving in together by the end of spring. Maybe I'd start traveling with him again. And now this. Not only is he expecting a little girl with his ex-girlfriend, but he's been seeing another woman. Yes, T was somehow juggling the 3 of us. I felt like an idiot!

I didn't know what to say. The tears just came. They overflowed my eyes. And just came. I cried and cried. I listened to everything he had to say. I knew I had made mistakes, but this...I didn't know what to say. But I let him talk. It felt like this was the last time we'd ever talk like this again. So I let him talk. And when he was done. I just sat there. Staring at my wedding ring. Wondering what had happened. When did it go so wrong? We haven't even celebrated our 1st Anniversary.

My thoughts were spinning in my head. I didn't know what to do. Or what to say. But I knew immediately, that I have a baby growing inside me. A baby that I need to protect. A baby that's going to need lots of love. And deserves a good life. This, this is not acceptable to me. I took off my ring. I put it on the windowsill. I turned to leave and he told me, "I don't think you baby is mine. How do I know what you've been doing. I'm going to need some serious proof." I didn't know what to say. Instead I turned around and left.

Walking out the door, my heart was so heavy. I didn't know what to say or what to think. This is the man I love. The man that told me that he loved me. We got married. And promised each other that we'd make a better life for each other. Because we had both had tough childhoods. And now this...

Some of T's friends were coming over as I left. I'm sure they saw my tear soaked shirt and red eyes. But I couldn't stop and talk. I just needed to come home. To a place that I feel safe. I know that my marriage is over. But I want a good life for my baby. It's so hard to love someone who doesn't deserve it. But at least he gave me a baby to love. Even if he doesn't think our baby is his. H