Lilac Bella Maternity Wrap

This is an amazing piece! Perfect for pregnancy. And for breastfeeding. It looks so comfy. Cardigan Empire is giving one of these amazing tops/belly wraps away this week. Hurry up and enter! You have until October 8th. :) H

Pregnancy and Sex

Today I had my 1st official "Post-term, non-stress test." We're not any closer to delivery than I was last week. Or a month ago for that matter. But Charlottte and I are doing really well. We're both perfectly healthy and on track. But I'm 3 days past my due date. Which isn't a lot. At least that is what my doctor told me. And I have 11 more days until I can be induced...

So both my midwife and my doctor gave me a long list of suggestions. Most of which, I've already been doing. You know, spicy food, long walks, teas, different herbs, etc. I've been trying them all. Nothing is working. My contractions aren't anywhere near regular and constant. I actually had more contractions last week.

The only thing on these lists that I haven't tried is sex. And both of these women keep encouraging it. I do believe that my doctor told me that if she could prescribe it, she would. And my midwife told me to "go have some fun."

The problem is, there is no one in my life. Not in that kind of romantic sense. I'm in the middle of a divorce. My hubby, he can't stand me. He doesn't want our daughter. S, well he's my friend. Would he do it if I asked? I'm positive that he would. Being that he always wants to help me. And he likes to take care of Charlotte and me. Oh, and he wants us to date. But I'm not going there. I can't screw up another friendship. Not right now.

And I'm not comfortable with myself. Not with my body. I'm big. I haven't seen my feet in, I don't know how long. My breasts are 3 sizes larger than normal. I lose my breath walking to my car. And my medical professionals want me to have sex. Don't they understand that the night I got pregnant, that was the last time. I was with my hubby.

Now I'm alone. To deal with all of this. Being overdue and uncomfortable. Being somewhat frustrated with my body. I'm not scared of raising my daughter alone. I'm scared that I'm never going to go into labor. And the only thing that people tell me to do, I can't do. Because seriously, who would have sex with me? I'm 9 months pregnant. And not feeling a bit attractive. I'm hoping that the 5 mile walk, that S and I took tonight, I hope that helps. If not, I might be pregnant for another 9 months! H

I Can't Wait

I watched this video today. I kind of scared myself. You know with all the pain that is in my near future. But it was nice to watch a "real" labor. You know what I mean? I watched lots of videos in all the classes that I took. But this seems more real. And it was amazing to watch this mom with her baby girl. The baby just knew how to feed immediately. I can't wait until Charlotte's delivery! I know that sounds crazy. But I'm ready to meet my litte girl. :)

I just don't think I'll be that, well comfortable with my body though. You know to lay there completely naked for all to see. I might scare away my 3 birthing coaches. And that is the last thing I want to do. But I applaud this lady for being so comfortable with herself, to post this video. It has helped to calm some of my fears. H

Excited for Mommyhood

I just LOVE this video of Lilia! She is so cute. And I love the interaction with her and her parents. They all look so happy. She just lights up around her daddy. That is what kills me when I watch this video. Because all I can think of is, my daughter is not going to have that same relationship with her daddy. And that saddens me.

But just watching this video has made me excited. And so anxious! I can't wait to meet my daughter! To see her grow and change. To be able to hear her life. Or see her smile when she sees me. Oh, I'm so anxious to meet my little Charlotte. :)

Just watching Lilia play in her bath, that melted my heart. I can just imagine sharing that time with Charlotte. I can't wait until we can sit there and play. And we can make each other laugh. How exciting! I'm ready to be a mommy. I'm just waiting for my little girl to be born! H

Week 40: Waiting

Dear Honeybee,

Today is our due date. And I'm so excited to meet you! Every week I get to see you, and hear your heartbeat. And every week, I leave our doctor's appointment more anxious to meet you! But neither of us seem to be ready today. Our bodies just need some more time to get ready. We're no closer to labor and delivery than we were last week. And I learned today, we could be pregnant for another 2 weeks! Yes, another 2 weeks. I'm not sure I can wait that long to meet you.

It's been an emotional week. A week that I wish you didn't have to deal with. I'm trying to protect from all of this bad stuff. All of the things that your Daddy puts us through. But this week, we had to deal with it. And it saddens me. I hope we can get it all straightened out. I want to do that before you come.

It's tough. Because your Daddy wasn't always like this. He was so kind, gentle, and loving to me. That's why I married him. We dreamt of the day when we'd have a family together. And here we are. Getting ready to Welcome you into the world. And we can't get along.

But these are all "Grown Up" problems. And you don't have to worry about them. You just have to worry about staying healthy and happy. I will do everything else I can, to protect you. Your Uncle S and Nono are here to protect you too. They will try and fill this void, that you're going to have, in your life. And I hope they can. Because I don't want you to miss out on anything during your lifetime.

Your Nana is pretty amazing too! I know that she loves us so much! She carves out time to listen to your Mommy. And she keeps sending us both gifts! I wish that she lived closer to us. I wish that she'd let your Nono love her. Because she is an amazing woman. Someone that has so much love to give. But soon, you will learn all of this.

I picked her to be your Godmother because she's strong and independent. My bestie is so smart! Andis just an amazing woman. Everything that I wish I was. And I want you to learn how to be a strong woman. Someone who has strong morals, values, and beliefs. I want you to learn all of this from your Nana. She's an amazing woman.

As hard as we've had it, you and me, we have a bunch of amazing friends. Friends that are more like our family. And they love us. And pick up the slack for the people who are not here with us. The ones that are supposed to love us.

Soon enough, you'll get to meet everyone. And you're going to love them, just as much as they love you little Miss Charlotte. They love you so much! And we're all waiting on you. Waiting so patiently for you to come into the world. So that we can hold you and love you. Everyone keeps calling for updates. Uncle S spent so much time with us this week. We're just excited to meet you!

W and I are ready. We're ready to bring you home. To love you. To be a family together. And this week, I've learned that I have to wait. Because I can't make things happen, just because I want them to happen. Life comes when it comes. And we have to learn how to be patient. Charlotte your Mommy is being patient. And waiting for you to get big, healthy, and strong enough to be born! Love you lots little girl!

Love,
Your Mommy

40 Weeks

•Baby Girl, much of your vernix has vanished. But when you are born, there will still be a little bit on your body.
•15% of your body is fat. You haven't learned how to shiver yet. These fat stores will help regulate your temperature. So the fat is good.
•Between 60-75% of your body is water!
•Your chest is going to stick out a little bit. Almost as if you're ready to strut proudly, over your accomplishment of being born!
•Baby Girl your lungs will continue developing until birth. They are manufacturing large quantities of surfactant, which works to keep your air sacs open. This is good. It will help you breathe.
•You continue to grow. Your hair and nails are longer too. When you are born, we are going to need to trim those fingernails and put on your little mittens. We want to protect your precious face from scratches. I think I'm going to need some help there. But we'll get it done.
•You will have small breast buds when you are born. That is normal.
•Baby Girl, you now weigh 7.6lbs and are 20.2 in long.
•Any day now, I will be cradling you Charlotte! We will cherish these moments, and I learn all that I can about you. I'm so excited to meet you and love you. I hear that you will grow up so fast, and time will just fly by!

Charlotte, you are amazing! I got to see you today. And you look absolutely amazing. I can't wait to hold you! It's still hard to sleep. And to eat. Breathing is easier. But it's all OK. Because I know that this discomfort, only makes things for you easier. And a healthy Baby Girl is all I want!

We're "not at all ready." At least that is what my doctor tells me. We're looking at another week or 2 of pregnancy. And I got "The List" of things to do. You know, to help with labor. Contractions are hit and miss. Some days, I have really strong ones. And then, I go a few days without one. Ugh! My progress has almost stopped too. I was doing good a few weeks ago. You know all the "thinning" and "dilation."

I'm walking a lot too. Trying anything really. I figure if I exhaust myself, I can sleep better at night. Oh, and it's supposed to help Charlotte and our labor. I really hope that it helps. Because I'm ready to meet my Little Girl! But if she needs to stay comfy for another week or 2, I'm happy with that too! H

Jello Pudding Pops

On the eve of my due date, I'm craving these pudding pops. And I have none! Not a single one in my house. Ugh! And I don't want to go to the store. Especially at night. I can barely fit in my car. My belly has been touching the steering for a while now. So I try to avoid any extra and unnecessary driving.

But all I can think about are these pudding pops. They're amazing! A wonderful mix of pudding and ice cream. Wonderful! And after today at work, I really could use something amazing! Tomorrow, as soon as I leave my doctor's appointment, I"m going for a box or 2 of these bad boys! I might put myself in a sugar coma tomorrow night. H

T Makes Me Sad

Today we went to Court. Again. I know. It feels unreal. Like this is a broken record or something. The judge is so fed up with T. But T almost demanded that we have a Court date today. 2 days before my due date. Yes, I waddled to Court. S came with me. And I'm so glad! I needed the support. It was a tough day!

T doesn't want to be Charlotte's dad. He wants no DNA test. He wants nothing to do with our sweet Baby Girl. Nothing. It makes me so sad. Yes, T told the judge that he wants to sign over all "Parental Rights" to me. T doesn't want to be a father to our daughter.

But like I said, the judge is fed up with my husband. And he has left it all up to me. I can (A) leave T's name off of Charlotte's Birth Certificate. Which would mean that T would not be held responsible for anything. I could never ask for Child Support. Essentially, my daughter wouldn't have a dad. But as far as that goes, T has already made that decision. (B) I can put T's name on Charlotte's Birth Certificate. Then I can "accept" his petition to forfeit all rights to our daughter. So Charlotte would know who her dad is. But he wouldn't have any rights or responsibilities.Or (C) I can put T's name on Charlotte's Birth Certificate and "not accept" his petition. We'd have to have a DNA test. And T would have to pay child support. He'd be responsible for his daughter. And if he wanted, he could seek some visitation rights.

I don't know what to do. I want my daughter to know her father. I really do. I wish that he would wake up. I see him with Baby M. He's so loving to her. Why can't he be that way with Charlotte? But I don't want to force something that's not there. Because that wouldn't be good for Charlotte. I know. I've been there. I was forced to see my dad. Who was horrible. Until I was old enough to say I didn't want to live through that anymore.

I'm more than willing to support my daughter. That's why I've worked so hard now that I'm pregnant. I've been the one to buy everything that she needs. Including our home. I'm taking care of her. And I will continue too. I'll continue to work. I don't care what I have to do. I will take care of my daughter. So I'm not looking at this from the financial side of things.

The judge didn't want to hear my decision. Not until Charlotte is born. Pretty much like our divorce. Nothing will be finalized until after Charlotte is born. It makes me so sad. My husband and I should be happy right now. We should be excited about becoming parents. About this precious baby girl I have growing inside of me. We shouldn't be arguing. We shouldn't be getting divorced. It feels unreal.

Before we even got married, T and I would talk about growing up in "Broken Homes." And how much we didn't want our kids to grow up like that. We didn't want them to be in the middle of fights. T wanted to be a dad so bad! We talked about babies, before we ever talked about marriage. And almost right after we got married, T really wanted a baby. I know that's why my miscarriage was such a tough time for us. Our 1st baby wasn't planned. But loved so much, when we did find out. It ripped both of our hearts out when we lost our baby.

Now our lives are such a mess. We fight over everything. I don't want nothing from T. I just want to be divorced. To put this mess behind us. To focus on our daughter. If he doesn't want to be around, I don't want to force him. But I want my daughter to be able to know her older sister, Baby M. I want them to have a good relationship. To be able to be loving sisters. I want Charlotte to one day know, that I tried everything I could, to make her life better.

After my miscarriage, I was in shock. I blamed myself. Then T resented me. Things went downhill quickly. But we wanted to fix our problems. We started counseling. I thought we were on track. I wanted to work this out. Because T and I were only married just over 13 weeks. 13 weeks of bliss, before our world fell apart.

I never knew what else he was doing. That while I was trying to make our marriage work, he was sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. That he was dating another woman on top of that! That he was expecting another baby. I never knew that. If I did, maybe things would have been different.

But this is where our lives are. Trying to decide what to do with life. I don't care about the money that T has to pay me. How our joint assets are to be separated. Or any kind of material situation. I just want a divorce. I want to get on with my life. And I want a happy and healthy daughter.

I want Charlotte to have a good relationship with her dad. But that is up to T. There is nothing I can do to fix this. I know that there is nothing left to fight for in my marriage. It's over. But my daughter deserves better. She deserves a dad that loves her. That wants to spend time with her. But if he doesn't want it, I'm glad he decided now. Before she is born. Before she grows dependent of him. Before a relationship is built. Before she can be hurt.

Everything about T hurts. It all hurts now. It hurts that he left me. That he lied to me. That he cheated on me. It hurts that he calls me horrible names. And tells me that he wished that Charlotte would never have been created. T tells me the cruelest things that you could imagine. My husband was supposed to love me forever. We were supposed to have a family together. And grow old. Now, he can't stand to be anywhere near me. But it kills me that he doesn't want to be Charlotte's daddy.

I expected more of T. There are 2 innocent baby girls here. Baby M and Charlotte. I want them to have a loving daddy. To have a man that steps up to the plate. A man that is responsible and loving. These little girls deserve to be loved. They deserve a good daddy.

But I'm learning that I can't control these things. I clearly can't control T. It kills me that Charlotte will never get to sleep on her daddy's chest. Or that he won't be there to teach her all sorts of things. Like how to fish or play with W. That there will never be love that is shared between them. Charlotte will never get to see the side of T that I fell in love with. The caring and loving man. The man that takes care of you when you're sick. That gently kisses your head as you're falling asleep. My daughter will never know those things. She'll never get to reach out for her daddy or kiss his cheek.

T will never kiss her boo boos. He'll never put her to sleep. He won't be protective of his daughter. He won't comfort her when she's upset. Or just love her because she is his daughter. Charlotte will never smile when T walks into a room. Because she won't know him. But this is T's decision. Not mine. Not Charlotte's. Only T's. One day, he will regret this. When Charlotte is calling another man, Daddy. It will be then, that he will feel that tug at his heart. And it's then, that he will have to explain to Charlotte why he walked away. H

All I Can Eat is Grapes

I haven't been able to really eat in at least a week. It's almost like I can't fit the food in my belly. Like Charlotte is getting so big, there is no room for anything else. Nothing sounds good. Nothing looks good. I just can't handle it.

I know that sounds weird. But I haven't been able to eat meals in what feels like forever. But I've been eating lots of grapes. Because they're easy. And I can eat small bunches, every couple of hours. Yes, I've been living off of grapes. I hope that I get to eat sometime soon. H

Dinner for S

My friend S had a tough day yesterday. And I wanted to do something to cheer him up. Every Monday, S comes over for dinner. He drives over 3 hours to come visit me. One way! When I get home from work, he is sitting on my porch waiting for me. S always brings dinner, and usually something for Charlotte. Then he helps me with different projects around my house.

S is a great guy! He had a tough day yesterday. A really tough day. I wanted to do something special for him. Like cook him dinner. You know, instead of him buying something. So I'm planning on making this. Doesn't it look good? And it looks pretty easy. Something that I can't mess up. :)

Now I just need to go to work. And try and get off early. So that I can get to the grocery store. And hopefully have dinner ready for S. I told him not to worry about anything this week. Let's hope I can get it all done. H