Mixed Emotions

I know I've been really emotional this week. Well, for the last few weeks. But watching this video, it made me both very sad and very happy.

Sad for Charlotte. Because she won't get to have these precious moments, with her Daddy. Chris is amazing with Chloe. I just wish T would feel this way about Charlotte. She won't get to feel the love from her Daddy. And to spend that much needed Daughter-Daddy time together. I know it's hard. Because that's how I grew up.

But this video also makes me happy and excited. Just watching Chloe makes me excited. Excited to watch my little girl grow! I can't wait to play with her. To watch her sucking her thumb. Or even just watching her sleep. I'm so excited for Charlotte to be here.

Although there are so many other things going on, it's the love for my daughter that has me going. Knowing that in a few days, I will have her to hold and love, it makes all of this worth it! All of it. Not sleep. All the discomforts of pregnancy. The stress with T and our divorce. My Baby Girl makes it all worth while! Now all I have to do, is what for her to be ready. I LOVE you Charlotte! H

Pregnancy and Sex

Today I had my 1st official "Post-term, non-stress test." We're not any closer to delivery than I was last week. Or a month ago for that matter. But Charlottte and I are doing really well. We're both perfectly healthy and on track. But I'm 3 days past my due date. Which isn't a lot. At least that is what my doctor told me. And I have 11 more days until I can be induced...

So both my midwife and my doctor gave me a long list of suggestions. Most of which, I've already been doing. You know, spicy food, long walks, teas, different herbs, etc. I've been trying them all. Nothing is working. My contractions aren't anywhere near regular and constant. I actually had more contractions last week.

The only thing on these lists that I haven't tried is sex. And both of these women keep encouraging it. I do believe that my doctor told me that if she could prescribe it, she would. And my midwife told me to "go have some fun."

The problem is, there is no one in my life. Not in that kind of romantic sense. I'm in the middle of a divorce. My hubby, he can't stand me. He doesn't want our daughter. S, well he's my friend. Would he do it if I asked? I'm positive that he would. Being that he always wants to help me. And he likes to take care of Charlotte and me. Oh, and he wants us to date. But I'm not going there. I can't screw up another friendship. Not right now.

And I'm not comfortable with myself. Not with my body. I'm big. I haven't seen my feet in, I don't know how long. My breasts are 3 sizes larger than normal. I lose my breath walking to my car. And my medical professionals want me to have sex. Don't they understand that the night I got pregnant, that was the last time. I was with my hubby.

Now I'm alone. To deal with all of this. Being overdue and uncomfortable. Being somewhat frustrated with my body. I'm not scared of raising my daughter alone. I'm scared that I'm never going to go into labor. And the only thing that people tell me to do, I can't do. Because seriously, who would have sex with me? I'm 9 months pregnant. And not feeling a bit attractive. I'm hoping that the 5 mile walk, that S and I took tonight, I hope that helps. If not, I might be pregnant for another 9 months! H

Week 40: Waiting

Dear Honeybee,

Today is our due date. And I'm so excited to meet you! Every week I get to see you, and hear your heartbeat. And every week, I leave our doctor's appointment more anxious to meet you! But neither of us seem to be ready today. Our bodies just need some more time to get ready. We're no closer to labor and delivery than we were last week. And I learned today, we could be pregnant for another 2 weeks! Yes, another 2 weeks. I'm not sure I can wait that long to meet you.

It's been an emotional week. A week that I wish you didn't have to deal with. I'm trying to protect from all of this bad stuff. All of the things that your Daddy puts us through. But this week, we had to deal with it. And it saddens me. I hope we can get it all straightened out. I want to do that before you come.

It's tough. Because your Daddy wasn't always like this. He was so kind, gentle, and loving to me. That's why I married him. We dreamt of the day when we'd have a family together. And here we are. Getting ready to Welcome you into the world. And we can't get along.

But these are all "Grown Up" problems. And you don't have to worry about them. You just have to worry about staying healthy and happy. I will do everything else I can, to protect you. Your Uncle S and Nono are here to protect you too. They will try and fill this void, that you're going to have, in your life. And I hope they can. Because I don't want you to miss out on anything during your lifetime.

Your Nana is pretty amazing too! I know that she loves us so much! She carves out time to listen to your Mommy. And she keeps sending us both gifts! I wish that she lived closer to us. I wish that she'd let your Nono love her. Because she is an amazing woman. Someone that has so much love to give. But soon, you will learn all of this.

I picked her to be your Godmother because she's strong and independent. My bestie is so smart! Andis just an amazing woman. Everything that I wish I was. And I want you to learn how to be a strong woman. Someone who has strong morals, values, and beliefs. I want you to learn all of this from your Nana. She's an amazing woman.

As hard as we've had it, you and me, we have a bunch of amazing friends. Friends that are more like our family. And they love us. And pick up the slack for the people who are not here with us. The ones that are supposed to love us.

Soon enough, you'll get to meet everyone. And you're going to love them, just as much as they love you little Miss Charlotte. They love you so much! And we're all waiting on you. Waiting so patiently for you to come into the world. So that we can hold you and love you. Everyone keeps calling for updates. Uncle S spent so much time with us this week. We're just excited to meet you!

W and I are ready. We're ready to bring you home. To love you. To be a family together. And this week, I've learned that I have to wait. Because I can't make things happen, just because I want them to happen. Life comes when it comes. And we have to learn how to be patient. Charlotte your Mommy is being patient. And waiting for you to get big, healthy, and strong enough to be born! Love you lots little girl!

Love,
Your Mommy

T Makes Me Sad

Today we went to Court. Again. I know. It feels unreal. Like this is a broken record or something. The judge is so fed up with T. But T almost demanded that we have a Court date today. 2 days before my due date. Yes, I waddled to Court. S came with me. And I'm so glad! I needed the support. It was a tough day!

T doesn't want to be Charlotte's dad. He wants no DNA test. He wants nothing to do with our sweet Baby Girl. Nothing. It makes me so sad. Yes, T told the judge that he wants to sign over all "Parental Rights" to me. T doesn't want to be a father to our daughter.

But like I said, the judge is fed up with my husband. And he has left it all up to me. I can (A) leave T's name off of Charlotte's Birth Certificate. Which would mean that T would not be held responsible for anything. I could never ask for Child Support. Essentially, my daughter wouldn't have a dad. But as far as that goes, T has already made that decision. (B) I can put T's name on Charlotte's Birth Certificate. Then I can "accept" his petition to forfeit all rights to our daughter. So Charlotte would know who her dad is. But he wouldn't have any rights or responsibilities.Or (C) I can put T's name on Charlotte's Birth Certificate and "not accept" his petition. We'd have to have a DNA test. And T would have to pay child support. He'd be responsible for his daughter. And if he wanted, he could seek some visitation rights.

I don't know what to do. I want my daughter to know her father. I really do. I wish that he would wake up. I see him with Baby M. He's so loving to her. Why can't he be that way with Charlotte? But I don't want to force something that's not there. Because that wouldn't be good for Charlotte. I know. I've been there. I was forced to see my dad. Who was horrible. Until I was old enough to say I didn't want to live through that anymore.

I'm more than willing to support my daughter. That's why I've worked so hard now that I'm pregnant. I've been the one to buy everything that she needs. Including our home. I'm taking care of her. And I will continue too. I'll continue to work. I don't care what I have to do. I will take care of my daughter. So I'm not looking at this from the financial side of things.

The judge didn't want to hear my decision. Not until Charlotte is born. Pretty much like our divorce. Nothing will be finalized until after Charlotte is born. It makes me so sad. My husband and I should be happy right now. We should be excited about becoming parents. About this precious baby girl I have growing inside of me. We shouldn't be arguing. We shouldn't be getting divorced. It feels unreal.

Before we even got married, T and I would talk about growing up in "Broken Homes." And how much we didn't want our kids to grow up like that. We didn't want them to be in the middle of fights. T wanted to be a dad so bad! We talked about babies, before we ever talked about marriage. And almost right after we got married, T really wanted a baby. I know that's why my miscarriage was such a tough time for us. Our 1st baby wasn't planned. But loved so much, when we did find out. It ripped both of our hearts out when we lost our baby.

Now our lives are such a mess. We fight over everything. I don't want nothing from T. I just want to be divorced. To put this mess behind us. To focus on our daughter. If he doesn't want to be around, I don't want to force him. But I want my daughter to be able to know her older sister, Baby M. I want them to have a good relationship. To be able to be loving sisters. I want Charlotte to one day know, that I tried everything I could, to make her life better.

After my miscarriage, I was in shock. I blamed myself. Then T resented me. Things went downhill quickly. But we wanted to fix our problems. We started counseling. I thought we were on track. I wanted to work this out. Because T and I were only married just over 13 weeks. 13 weeks of bliss, before our world fell apart.

I never knew what else he was doing. That while I was trying to make our marriage work, he was sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. That he was dating another woman on top of that! That he was expecting another baby. I never knew that. If I did, maybe things would have been different.

But this is where our lives are. Trying to decide what to do with life. I don't care about the money that T has to pay me. How our joint assets are to be separated. Or any kind of material situation. I just want a divorce. I want to get on with my life. And I want a happy and healthy daughter.

I want Charlotte to have a good relationship with her dad. But that is up to T. There is nothing I can do to fix this. I know that there is nothing left to fight for in my marriage. It's over. But my daughter deserves better. She deserves a dad that loves her. That wants to spend time with her. But if he doesn't want it, I'm glad he decided now. Before she is born. Before she grows dependent of him. Before a relationship is built. Before she can be hurt.

Everything about T hurts. It all hurts now. It hurts that he left me. That he lied to me. That he cheated on me. It hurts that he calls me horrible names. And tells me that he wished that Charlotte would never have been created. T tells me the cruelest things that you could imagine. My husband was supposed to love me forever. We were supposed to have a family together. And grow old. Now, he can't stand to be anywhere near me. But it kills me that he doesn't want to be Charlotte's daddy.

I expected more of T. There are 2 innocent baby girls here. Baby M and Charlotte. I want them to have a loving daddy. To have a man that steps up to the plate. A man that is responsible and loving. These little girls deserve to be loved. They deserve a good daddy.

But I'm learning that I can't control these things. I clearly can't control T. It kills me that Charlotte will never get to sleep on her daddy's chest. Or that he won't be there to teach her all sorts of things. Like how to fish or play with W. That there will never be love that is shared between them. Charlotte will never get to see the side of T that I fell in love with. The caring and loving man. The man that takes care of you when you're sick. That gently kisses your head as you're falling asleep. My daughter will never know those things. She'll never get to reach out for her daddy or kiss his cheek.

T will never kiss her boo boos. He'll never put her to sleep. He won't be protective of his daughter. He won't comfort her when she's upset. Or just love her because she is his daughter. Charlotte will never smile when T walks into a room. Because she won't know him. But this is T's decision. Not mine. Not Charlotte's. Only T's. One day, he will regret this. When Charlotte is calling another man, Daddy. It will be then, that he will feel that tug at his heart. And it's then, that he will have to explain to Charlotte why he walked away. H

I Year

It's been 1 year since I miscarried T and I's 1st baby. We didn't even know about our baby. Until it was too late. I found out I was pregnant the day before. While T was away working. And I took a test. Because I was curious. I had been feeling really tired. Despite our recent vacation. And it was positive! And I wanted to wait to tell my hubby in person.

That night when he called, I didn't let on. Because I didn't want him to know. Not yet anyways. That was the single worst mistake of my life! But I thought, in 2 days, I'd see him. And I'd tell him. We hadn't planned on baby so quickly after we got married. But most blessings come when you least expect them. So I was excited!

In the middle of the night, I started to not feel well. I wasn't sure what was wrong. But I laid in bed. Trying to sleep. But I felt horrible. Our dog, W, he just laid really close to me. Like he knew something was wrong. The next morning, I miscarried our baby.

I had to call an ambulance. Because I was bleeding so much. No one was around. My friends were all gone. My hubby was gone. Everyone was gone working. And I didn't know what to do...

I remember how cold and alone I felt at the hospital. All I wanted to do was call T. But he doesn't have a "regular 9-5" kind of job. He can't really call in sick. That left me unsure of what to do. I stayed in the hospital for 2 days. The night I was supposed to fly to meet T, I called him. I just told him that I didn't feel well. And I was going to stay home that weekend.

He was concerned. He felt bad. T wanted to come and check on me. But he had to be in PA. He thought that maybe our recent trip to FL had just got me tired. And he thought I needed my rest. I stayed home. Instead of flying to PA. And when he got back in the middle of the night that Sunday, I didn't want to talk...

It turns out, he saw some of the blood. In the bathroom. He didn't know what had happened. I think he was scared to ask. And he didn't want to bother me. Or upset me. So he left.

I didn't know what to tell my hubby that night. How do you explain that you miscarried your baby? How do you tell him that you kept the pregnancy from him? Be it just a few hours before miscarrying. I didn't know how to talk to him. And he just left me alone. For weeks, he stayed with various friends. And when we were around each other, all we did was fight.

T started drinking a lot. And doing a lot of stupid things. I found out months later about this. His friends weren't talking to him. We were barely communicating. And I felt bad. But I didn't really know how to talk to him. What would he say? On July 31st, I moved out.

In my heart, I knew that I had lost my husband. Something was different. He didn't want to be around me. And when I did tell him about the miscarriage, he blamed it all on me. Like I had done it on purpose. Like I was the one that was trying to hurt him. I couldn't get over that. And it wasn't T. He wasn't like this. Where was all this anger coming from?

We tried for months to reconcile. And until February, I thought we might be able to work through this. Well, I guess I was wrong. In so many ways. Because I really thought we could get our marriage back on the right track. We'd have date nights. Spend time together. Do little things like that. So much so, I wasn't as careful as I should have been. And we made our precious little girl on Christmas night...

On January 24, 2010 we should have become parents for the 1st time. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I thought I was having a little girl. For months, I dreamt about a little girl. A little angel. I know she's in heaven. And I pray every night for her. I also hope that she is looking out for her little sister. Because Charlotte is going to need all the love she can get.

So much has happened in the last year. 1 year ago, my life was completely different. I had been happy. I was in love. I was a Newlywed! Counting the days until our "Honeymoon in Paradise." I had so many plans for T and I. I just knew that one day, we'd have kids. We'd be better parents than ours had been to us.

Now, I'm single. Pregnant. And trying to get a divorce. I'll always love my first baby. With all of my heart. She was made with so much love. A love that her parents had for each other. During such a happy time in their lives. What happened afterward, was never her fault. But I will never forget my little angel in the sky. H

Do I

When I first heard this song, I thought about T. We were once so in love. He was "The One." The only man I wanted to be with. The man I thought I'd grow old with. T was the one that knew it before I did. He begged me to move in with. To start traveling with him. I let him take the lead of our relationship. And I couldn't believe that this man loved me. And I mean really loved me. Thunder thighs and all!

I've never really felt that before. I never was really important to anyone. I mean my Grandma loves me. And my little brother. No one on earth has a better bestie than me! No one! But I've never felt really loved like I did with T. It was way beyond the physical stuff too. That was incredible. But it was more than that. It was just a feeling I had when I was with him. I felt safe, comfortable, and loved.

For the 1st time in my life, I felt like someone really cared. If I went missing, someone would notice. T made me feel special. He did things for me, that no other man had done. I've had boyfriends in the past. But this was different. And I really loved him.

Things between us, they started quickly. From the time we met, until we got married, was 7 months! But then they fell apart quickly too! We were happily married for a little more than 3 months. Before I knew it, I was sitting on the floor of our bedroom, crying my eyes out. Wondering what had happened.

This song, it explains so much. The 1st time I heard it, I cried. And every time it comes on the radio, I think about T. We worked together for months. Not talking. Just working. I don't know what happened. I don't know how he could love me so much, and hurt me so badly. But it happened. I still love him. I have a feeling that I'll always love him. But I know, for myself, and my baby...I need to move on.

I miss the days when we lived in the townhouse. We'd spend our free time ordering takeout and T trying to teach me how to play videos games. We'd play with W. We'd sit and talk. Talk about our crappy childhoods. And how badly we wanted our kids to have better lives than we did. We talked a lot! Laughing and enjoying each other. The slightest touch from T, would give me goosebumps all the way to my insides. I miss that. But I know, we've grown in different directions.

Every time I hear this song, I'll think of him. That much I know. Every time I feel our baby move, I think of him. But I'm moving on. I need to. Because I know he's moved on. No matter how much I wanted this to work, he's just not in the same place as I am. H

Feeling Alone

I've been feeling really lonely and down lately. All the problems with T are starting to catch up with me. I miss my family. I miss my friends. Especially my bestie. I'm living in a new city. With all new people. Working at a new job. And when I come home at night, it's just me and W. I love my dog, but I miss the people I love.

But recently, when I'm feeling down...I notice something. I'm starting to feel my baby move around inside. I'm not sure if it's a kick. But I feel my little miracle. :) It makes me so excited! Like my baby is telling me, "Hey mom! I'm in here. You're not alone." I instantly cheer up!

I still can't believe that I'm already 18 weeks pregnant. I'm almost halfway there. And I just can't wait to hold my baby in my arms. I can't wait see the most precious little face. To get to count my baby's toes. To give my baby a kiss. I can't wait! And now, life is not just about me. It's about the 2 of us. About loving my baby so much, that I sacrifice things to make my baby's life better.

Thank you baby for moving around. You remind me that I'm not alone in life. That I have you. And that you are safe and healthy inside my belly. Every time you kick, I promise to rub my belly. You seem to enjoy that! H

Oh Marriage

Pretty much T and I's marriage has been a total disaster. We were married in February 2009. By June we were separated. And by September, we were legally separated and I had moved out. It's been bad. Then out of the ashes of our marriage, I find out that I'm pregnant. It's a blessing. At least for me.

T, he's going through a lot of crap right now. Most, if not all, is by his own making. But instead of focusing that anger on the person that causes it, he focuses it all on me. It saddens me. A lot. My heart is broken. I do still love him. But I refuse to stay with him if he's going to treat me this way. I want for my child to grow up with 2 loving parents. Not in the middle of a war, like I did.

So we're divorcing. At least that's what I've been trying to do. But T refuses to sign the papers. But he also refuses to talk to me. He won't accept our child. But he'll except the child of his ex-girlfriend. He doesn't want to be married, but he doesn't want to be divorced. What the hell does this man want?

This T, is not the same man I fell in love with. That man was fun, caring, and loving. We would look out for one another in life. We wanted to be together. He taught me things I thought I'd never learn. And he made me feel safe and loved. Now, I just feel sad when I'm around him. And I feel sad when we're apart.

Especially when I go to my doctor appointments. I tried setting them up when he could come. But he refused to come. He refused to believe that he was expecting 2 children, from 2 women, at the same time. Believe me, it still makes me sick to think of the facts. But the truth of the matter is, this is our baby.

So what were our vows again...Love, Honor...

I hope one day that T and I can get this straightened out. I never wanted to bring any sadness or negativity to our lives or to this blog. This blog was to document our blessing. And to try and mend fences. For the sake of our child. The child that didn't ask to come into this world. But the child that we made together. We probably won't make it as a couple, but I hope at the end of the day, we can still Love, Honor, and Respect each other. H

Our First Year

Today is our 1st anniversary. I'm at home. T is across the country working. I'm pregnant. And sitting alone in my house. Wondering what is going to happen next. I don't know. But this is not what I envisioned for our 1st anniversary. Or our 1st year of marriage.

When we got married, I figured we would spend our 1st anniversary in Las Vegas. Where we got married. Because T would have to work. Maybe we'd go out to dinner. I hoped we'd go buy a mini wedding cake. That we'd be happy. We'd be man and wife.

I never would have expected this. We never even went on our Honeymoon. I begged my bestie to go with my boss. I know he loves her. At least the trip wouldn't go to waste. And they could enjoy a tropical paradise! No one went. T and I were married just over 3 months when we lost our baby. A baby we didn't know about. When our lives would change forever.

We tried. Maybe I tried more than T at times. But we both tried. It just didn't work. We met in July 2008. We began dating and almost instantly moved in together in August 2008. By November, our house was being built. We moved in January 2009. Got engaged at the end of the month. And were married a month later. We had 3 wonderful months. Just 3.

We went to paradise for 3 days. We loved it! Just the sand, sun, and each other. Just 3 days. And then I came home. And T left for work. That's when it happened. In an instant, our marriage and lives changed forever.

I hadn't been feeling right. I thought I had gotten too much sun. Or not enough sleep. T called that night. To see how I was doing. To make sure I knew what flight I was on that weekend. He was anxious for me to get there. And after we hung up, I just got this idea. What if I was pregnant? I was on the pill, but you never know.

I searched through our bathroom. I knew I had 2 pregnancy tests. We had had a scare before the holidays. And I had 2 left over. I couldn't find them. I went looking through boxes. Never mind that we had lived there for almost 5 months. Because we were only 50% unpacked. We were traveling 70% of the time for T's job. And we were newlyweds...

In the last box that I looked in, I found them. 2 sticks. W thought I was getting him a snack. :) I went to the bathroom and took the tests. They sat on the counter. And I stared at them. Both were positive. I didn't know what to say. I was so excited! We hadn't planned this,but I knew T would be excited!

The next morning, I called my doctor. And she told me to come right over. I was right. I was pregnant! And I couldn't wait to tell T. I just had to wait 1 more day. I didn't want to tell him on the phone. I wanted to tell him in person.

But my entire life would change in an instant. The next morning I got up. T and I talked on the phon and I had breakfast. We talked about what we were going to do that weekend. T had to get back to work and I needed to pack. All of a sudden I began to bleed horribly. And had horrific cramps. I didn't know what was happening. And I was alone. Everyone was gone working. T and all of our friends. I called 911. And the next thing I knew, the doctor was telling me I had just had a miscarriage...

I didn't know what to do. Or what to say. I was in shock. I had to stay in the hospital overnight. And when T called me later that night, I just told him I wasn't feeling well. I wouldn't be meeting him that weekend. I told him that it was better for me to stay home and sleep this off. He doesn't have a job were he can just walk away. There's no one to just fill in for him. I told him I'd be OK.

The next day, I went home. I laid in bed until T came home. I cried. I felt empty inside. I was so upset and sad. I hadn't even known about our baby for 24 hours. Now I couldn't put it into words. T came home late Sunday night. Happy to be home. Only to find me crying in bed. Not willing to talk.

How could I tell him I had been pregnant? And I had lost our baby. What kind of woman am I? If I couldn't even keep our baby safe. I quickly became depressed. I was so upset. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't know what to say. T just thought I needed some time. And he went to live in his old house.

Since then, we grew apart. Then tried to make it work again. We finally sat down and talked about everything. I blamed myself. He blamed himself. But we tried. It all fell apart days ago. The air was completely taken out of me. And I can't see this working.

That was our 1st year. We both made mistakes. We both grew and learned. But it didn't work. Instead, I'm at home. He's at work. And I'm looking for a divorce lawyer. At least I'm keeping tradition, isn't paper the 1st year gift? H

Happy Anniversary T

Today is our 1st Anniversary. It started out with a fight between us. Not the way I was looking at starting my day. It was a horrible fight. I was just trying to leave for work when I passed him in the hallway. And his yelling began. It ended with some of the guys he works with shoving him into a room. And me crying as I made my way to the elevator. I felt completely empty inside. And this day is ending with me, waiting for my flight home...

It's almost been a year since my husband and I got married. And we're both back to the original crime scene. :(

We've been separated since June. And well, life has taken an awful turn. But I have to face it. I have to face life.

We lost a baby in June. A baby that we hadn't planned. A baby I only knew about for a few short days. That's when our downward spiral began...

We lived in separate house for almost 3 months. Then I moved and started working again. I needed something to do. My life was empty. And I was miserable.

T and I tried. We'd sneak of to a date here and there. While we were working in the Fall, we'd share a room on some trips. We'd watch movies and laugh like we used to. But it was always for small bits of time.

And this weekend...we're both working here...

I knew marriage wouldn't be easy. But this is ridiculous! He makes me so mad!!!

I really can't believe it's almost been a year. It's seems both longer and shorter. Just give me some patients to deal.

Today is a sad reminder of what my life should have been. Tomorrow is our actual anniversary. But I got married on a Saturday. So today really feels like the day that should mark our wedding date.

Very similar to today in a lot of ways. But today, I found myself sitting in a hotel room. Watching the rain fall. Unsure of my next move.


I felt very alone and sad. Not like a year ago. When my bestie was here with me. Helping me get ready to walk down the aisle. Me joking with her that we could turn this into a double wedding. She just laughed me off!

I shouldn't let it get to me. But it's just a sad place I'm in today. I'm only HERE because I have to work. So I decided to leave early. To leave with the 1st team. Tomorrow, T will head home with the 2nd team.

I really wish I was at home. Curled up in bed.

Happy Anniversary to me and my Mr. We're still not talking. We did manage to get into a fight this morning. And he still doesn't believe that our baby is his.

He's the one that cheated. I didn't. I wanted to make this marriage work. I didn't want to admit that it was over.

That stress added to my "situation" right now...it's not good. But I had to work today. And I had to see him.

Now I sit and wait for a plane ride home. I just don't want to be around anyone else. I want to be alone in my bed...at home. H

Speechless...

I went to see T today. I wanted him to know our good news. I've known since the beginning of the month. When I took my at home pregnancy tests. I called to make a doctors appointment the following Monday. And well, I didn't get to see the doctor. But I did get to see a PA. And I got confirmation that I am pregnant. At this point, I'm 8 1/2 weeks! My first appointment with my doctor is March 5th. And well, I just wanted my husband to know what was going on. I think I owe him that much.

Well, I guess I was the one that was in for a shock. You see, we lived in 2 separate homes from June until the end of summer when I moved. We were separated. We had been through a lot of pain in a short amount of time. And we were just trying to work through it. He told everyone that he didn't want to live in our house if we weren't together. Because it was "Our House." He hadn't been living there. It was were I had lived. So I went to the townhouse he lived in when I first met him. T wasn't there. But I ran into a good friend of his. Someone that lives near him. He just casually told me that T was back at our home. That he was doing some work on the house.

So I drove to our house. I got there and T was painting. Painting 2 rooms. He was surprised that I was there. I rang the door bell. Because I just didn't feel right barging in. Even if I had been the last person to live there. He came to the door speckled in paint. And he had a surprised look on his face. You could tell, I was the last person he expected to see.

We made small talk as I came in. W, our dog, came running towards me. I miss him so much! And T told me that he had been painting a few rooms. One being his office. And he wanted to show it to me. You see, when we first had our house built, I didn't believe that dark brown would be a good color for his office. I thought it was too dark. And the room has a lot of weird angles and built ins. But T had just painted it.

And as we were making our way to the office, W was really close to me. Like he could sense something. I happened to see the other room he had painted, and felt so sick! I ran to the bathroom and the morning sickness took over. At the same time, I couldn't help but wonder why there was now a pastel bedroom in our house.

As I hugged the toilet, W was guarding me. Like he just knew what was going to happen next. T stood in the doorway, pissed off! His arms were crossed and the look on his face explained it all...

When I could, I got up. I rinsed my mouth. And tried to gain my footing. I felt horrible. Like I could pass out any second! And T was seeing red. He almost immediately began yelling. Demanding to know what was going on. I tried to calm him down. I had good news to share with him. And I didn't want it to come out like this. But he wasn't having it. It probably didn't help that W was right at my side.

I didn't know what else to do. I just took a deep breath and told T that we are expecting a baby. He blew up! Started cussing and walking back in forth. He had his hands on his head. Like it might explode. Like he couldn't understand what I was saying. Then he got up and walked away. I didn't know what to do. Or what to say. I know we hadn't planned this. But we always wanted to have kids.

After an hour, I got up from the couch. I figured T had calmed down enough. He was sitting in the pastel room. Staring out the window. Lost in his deep thoughts. So I turned around. I figured I'd head home. Give him some time and space to think and process this. Heck, I've had almost 3 weeks to process our news.

Instead, he told me to stop. He needed to tell me something. He is expecting another baby. A girl. And she's due in May. Hello! I just felt like someone pulled the floor out from under me. I slide down the wall. And just sat. That room we were in, it's going to be the baby's nursery. I was sitting in his baby's nursery. How did this happen?

Here I thought, we were trying to make our marriage work. We were trying to go on dates every couple of days. Just depending on our schedules. We were talking about maybe moving in together by the end of spring. Maybe I'd start traveling with him again. And now this. Not only is he expecting a little girl with his ex-girlfriend, but he's been seeing another woman. Yes, T was somehow juggling the 3 of us. I felt like an idiot!

I didn't know what to say. The tears just came. They overflowed my eyes. And just came. I cried and cried. I listened to everything he had to say. I knew I had made mistakes, but this...I didn't know what to say. But I let him talk. It felt like this was the last time we'd ever talk like this again. So I let him talk. And when he was done. I just sat there. Staring at my wedding ring. Wondering what had happened. When did it go so wrong? We haven't even celebrated our 1st Anniversary.

My thoughts were spinning in my head. I didn't know what to do. Or what to say. But I knew immediately, that I have a baby growing inside me. A baby that I need to protect. A baby that's going to need lots of love. And deserves a good life. This, this is not acceptable to me. I took off my ring. I put it on the windowsill. I turned to leave and he told me, "I don't think you baby is mine. How do I know what you've been doing. I'm going to need some serious proof." I didn't know what to say. Instead I turned around and left.

Walking out the door, my heart was so heavy. I didn't know what to say or what to think. This is the man I love. The man that told me that he loved me. We got married. And promised each other that we'd make a better life for each other. Because we had both had tough childhoods. And now this...

Some of T's friends were coming over as I left. I'm sure they saw my tear soaked shirt and red eyes. But I couldn't stop and talk. I just needed to come home. To a place that I feel safe. I know that my marriage is over. But I want a good life for my baby. It's so hard to love someone who doesn't deserve it. But at least he gave me a baby to love. Even if he doesn't think our baby is his. H

Ice Cream Makes It All Better

The last few days have been tough. I've cried. I've been so excited! And also so sad. This isn't how this was supposed to be. But it's the way my life is going. And I've felt so sick! The constant rain really reflected how I was feeling too!

In my hour of need, a good friend came to check on me. S has just been here for me. And I know he'll be here for my little Honeybee. I just need to be honest. Well, I NEED to tell T first. Then I can tell other people. Like my bestie, my boss, and S.

I know I've been really out of it lately. Sick and exhausted. Now I know why. It's been 3 days since I got a positive pregnancy test. And it's good news. But I'm scared. What is T going to do? Or think. I mean, we never really worked through all of our problems. Now we're expecting a baby.

But my friend came to see me. We ended up going out for some Rocky Road ice cream. :) I really needed that! And I honestly felt better. Funny how ice cream can do that to a gal! But it felt good just to get out and laugh for a little while. Things have been so stressful around here. And everywhere I go, I see T. Even if we're not really talking. Because we work for the same company.



It's tough. But the ice cream and the company really did cheer me up! Is that weird? I know. It doesn't make up for me and T not talking. But I really needed a few hours of happiness. And lots of laughter! Like I said, ice cream just seems to cure so much! So does a few hours of good, hard laughing. :) H

Week 6: Life is Changing

Dear Honeybee,

Well, I found out that you're inside me growing today. For the last few days, I thought maybe you could be in there. But I wasn't sure. I know but, your Mommy is a blond, and believe me, you're going to have to get used to my ditziness! I'm pretty sure I know when your Daddy and I made you. I guess your Daddy did give me a Christmas present after all. He gave me you!

I'm sorry that your Daddy and I are separated. We're trying to make this work. I really want our marriage to work. Because I love your Daddy. And I love you very much! I hope that your Daddy and I can make this work. Because I want you to have a better life than I had. I want you to have a Mommy and Daddy, in the same house, that love each other. And you!

Your Daddy and I lost a baby last summer. Your big brother or sister was supposed to be born on January 24, 2010. It was really hard on me. And your Daddy. Since then, we've been working at getting back together. We want our marriage to work. And it's a lot of hard work. But I know it's going to be worth it!

For now, we're going to lay here and watch the snow come down. There's not a whole lot for me to do tonight. I'm going to be making a doctor's appointment for us. And I need to call your Daddy. We need to talk before he leaves for work. Because soon, he'll be on the road again.

Baby Honeybee, don't worry about any of this. I just want you to know that I love you. And no matter what happens, you'll have me. I'll always be here for you. You can count on that! Your only job is to grow strong and healthy. Because your Mommy can't wait to hold and love you!

Love,
Your Mommy