T Makes Me Sad

Today we went to Court. Again. I know. It feels unreal. Like this is a broken record or something. The judge is so fed up with T. But T almost demanded that we have a Court date today. 2 days before my due date. Yes, I waddled to Court. S came with me. And I'm so glad! I needed the support. It was a tough day!

T doesn't want to be Charlotte's dad. He wants no DNA test. He wants nothing to do with our sweet Baby Girl. Nothing. It makes me so sad. Yes, T told the judge that he wants to sign over all "Parental Rights" to me. T doesn't want to be a father to our daughter.

But like I said, the judge is fed up with my husband. And he has left it all up to me. I can (A) leave T's name off of Charlotte's Birth Certificate. Which would mean that T would not be held responsible for anything. I could never ask for Child Support. Essentially, my daughter wouldn't have a dad. But as far as that goes, T has already made that decision. (B) I can put T's name on Charlotte's Birth Certificate. Then I can "accept" his petition to forfeit all rights to our daughter. So Charlotte would know who her dad is. But he wouldn't have any rights or responsibilities.Or (C) I can put T's name on Charlotte's Birth Certificate and "not accept" his petition. We'd have to have a DNA test. And T would have to pay child support. He'd be responsible for his daughter. And if he wanted, he could seek some visitation rights.

I don't know what to do. I want my daughter to know her father. I really do. I wish that he would wake up. I see him with Baby M. He's so loving to her. Why can't he be that way with Charlotte? But I don't want to force something that's not there. Because that wouldn't be good for Charlotte. I know. I've been there. I was forced to see my dad. Who was horrible. Until I was old enough to say I didn't want to live through that anymore.

I'm more than willing to support my daughter. That's why I've worked so hard now that I'm pregnant. I've been the one to buy everything that she needs. Including our home. I'm taking care of her. And I will continue too. I'll continue to work. I don't care what I have to do. I will take care of my daughter. So I'm not looking at this from the financial side of things.

The judge didn't want to hear my decision. Not until Charlotte is born. Pretty much like our divorce. Nothing will be finalized until after Charlotte is born. It makes me so sad. My husband and I should be happy right now. We should be excited about becoming parents. About this precious baby girl I have growing inside of me. We shouldn't be arguing. We shouldn't be getting divorced. It feels unreal.

Before we even got married, T and I would talk about growing up in "Broken Homes." And how much we didn't want our kids to grow up like that. We didn't want them to be in the middle of fights. T wanted to be a dad so bad! We talked about babies, before we ever talked about marriage. And almost right after we got married, T really wanted a baby. I know that's why my miscarriage was such a tough time for us. Our 1st baby wasn't planned. But loved so much, when we did find out. It ripped both of our hearts out when we lost our baby.

Now our lives are such a mess. We fight over everything. I don't want nothing from T. I just want to be divorced. To put this mess behind us. To focus on our daughter. If he doesn't want to be around, I don't want to force him. But I want my daughter to be able to know her older sister, Baby M. I want them to have a good relationship. To be able to be loving sisters. I want Charlotte to one day know, that I tried everything I could, to make her life better.

After my miscarriage, I was in shock. I blamed myself. Then T resented me. Things went downhill quickly. But we wanted to fix our problems. We started counseling. I thought we were on track. I wanted to work this out. Because T and I were only married just over 13 weeks. 13 weeks of bliss, before our world fell apart.

I never knew what else he was doing. That while I was trying to make our marriage work, he was sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. That he was dating another woman on top of that! That he was expecting another baby. I never knew that. If I did, maybe things would have been different.

But this is where our lives are. Trying to decide what to do with life. I don't care about the money that T has to pay me. How our joint assets are to be separated. Or any kind of material situation. I just want a divorce. I want to get on with my life. And I want a happy and healthy daughter.

I want Charlotte to have a good relationship with her dad. But that is up to T. There is nothing I can do to fix this. I know that there is nothing left to fight for in my marriage. It's over. But my daughter deserves better. She deserves a dad that loves her. That wants to spend time with her. But if he doesn't want it, I'm glad he decided now. Before she is born. Before she grows dependent of him. Before a relationship is built. Before she can be hurt.

Everything about T hurts. It all hurts now. It hurts that he left me. That he lied to me. That he cheated on me. It hurts that he calls me horrible names. And tells me that he wished that Charlotte would never have been created. T tells me the cruelest things that you could imagine. My husband was supposed to love me forever. We were supposed to have a family together. And grow old. Now, he can't stand to be anywhere near me. But it kills me that he doesn't want to be Charlotte's daddy.

I expected more of T. There are 2 innocent baby girls here. Baby M and Charlotte. I want them to have a loving daddy. To have a man that steps up to the plate. A man that is responsible and loving. These little girls deserve to be loved. They deserve a good daddy.

But I'm learning that I can't control these things. I clearly can't control T. It kills me that Charlotte will never get to sleep on her daddy's chest. Or that he won't be there to teach her all sorts of things. Like how to fish or play with W. That there will never be love that is shared between them. Charlotte will never get to see the side of T that I fell in love with. The caring and loving man. The man that takes care of you when you're sick. That gently kisses your head as you're falling asleep. My daughter will never know those things. She'll never get to reach out for her daddy or kiss his cheek.

T will never kiss her boo boos. He'll never put her to sleep. He won't be protective of his daughter. He won't comfort her when she's upset. Or just love her because she is his daughter. Charlotte will never smile when T walks into a room. Because she won't know him. But this is T's decision. Not mine. Not Charlotte's. Only T's. One day, he will regret this. When Charlotte is calling another man, Daddy. It will be then, that he will feel that tug at his heart. And it's then, that he will have to explain to Charlotte why he walked away. H

1 Month!!!

I can't believe I'm exactly 1 month away from meeting Charlotte! Wow! It's seems so far. But so close. I'm so excited! I honestly can't wait to hold her in my arms. I know she's been growing strong inside of me, but to be able to hold her. That is what I'm most excited about. :)

This is probably going to be the longest month of my life! But I know my baby girl needs to "cook" some more. So I'm going to be patient. And I hope I only have to wait a month. Did you hear that Charlotte? But seriously, whenever she is ready to come, I'm ready for her!

The other thing I've been thinking a lot about is my maternity leave. 6 weeks. That's what I get. I debated taking off a week before my due date. Then I read were you can be up to 2 weeks late before they induce labor. Ugh! I don't want that. So I decided to work until Charlotte comes. That way, well you know. I get to spend the entire 6 weeks with my little girl. :) Now all I have to do is sit and wait for my baby girl to get here. H

Cloth Diapers

I watched this video by CandidMommy (aka Jeni)...



And it changed my life. No...really it did! I had thrown around the idea. I talked to my bestie about it. She is all knowledge, on all things baby. She is really the reason I decided to breastfeed my little girl. And she encouraged cloth diapering. But...

Well, I was a little weird by it all. Cloth diapers? Really? I wasn't so sure. But I thought, heck why not research a bit. And I did. I'm convinced. This is what I need to do for my little princess. :)

I just bought a bunch of Fuzzi Bunz. I placed an order for 12 of the extra small and 12 of the small. Oh, I also bought some bags for the diapers. Uncle S...well he went and placed a HUGE order! And got us a Diaper Service. Local. So all things are good. And we are cloth diapering. :)

I also talked to the Daycare where Charlotte is going to go. And they were actually really supportive of the idea. I'm so glad! I think this is going to be best for my little girl. And the diapers are so cute! H

Preparing for Daycare

Now that I know where Charlotte is going to Daycare, I'm trying to get ready. Her Daycare is amazing! They are so excited about us breastfeeding and cloth diapering. A very supportive place.

I got to meet with the ladies, that are going to be taking care of Charlotte. They showed me where they are going to store my milk. And they are very excited that I work down the road. Because I'll be spending my lunch breaks with my little girl. We'll both be having our lunch together. :)

But I also got a good idea of what we'd need. I picked up some stuff. And there are still some things that I'm on the hunt for. Like bottles. You know, for when I'm working. I'm also considering some pacifiers. Things like that. But here is what I've gotten so far.

Lots and lots of Fuzzi Bunz! I know we're going to need these. And I mean lots! Like in 3 dozen just for Daycare.

And a wet bag. You know to put the Fuzzi Bunz in. I actually bought 4 different ones. But this is the one that is going to stay at Daycare.

And a diaper bag. You know to put everything in. :)

This is a really nice Daycare. And I'm so lucky to have found it. They are so excited to work with the parents. And are willing to do just about anything to make it easy on you. I'm so glad about this.

There are still some things I need to get. But being that I still have almost 3 months until my due date, I think I'm on the right track. Is there anything else that you'd recommend? H

We Have a Daycare :)

I'm so excited! I found a Daycare. The perfect place. Literally, it's down the road from my job. Which is great! Since I'm going to be breastfeeding. That means I can spend my lunch breaks with my little girl. Feeding her. :)

And the people at the Daycare are amazing! So sweet. And really good with the kids. There are only 2 babies to 1 care giver. I think that is incredible. The Daycare is super clean. And honestly, it's a beautiful place. I feel really comfortable with having Charlotte there.

And I completely lucked out. Because a few days before I went to look into this Daycare, a family with 3 kids, moved. It just happened that I went for a tour on their last day. And the owner was there. She was beyond thrilled that I work down the road. And that I want to breastfeed and cloth diaper.

2 days later, I got the call. That we had gotten in! I'm really excited. And it's not one of those crazy, overly expensive places. But it's clean. Really clean. I think this is going to be so good for Charlotte. Hopefully when she starts preschool and kindergarten it will be as smooth. We're on waiting lists for both. Yes, it's that crazy here! H

Butterfly Kisses

I finally made up my mind. And I ordered the Butterfly Kisses Bedding Set. :) I also bought lots of the extras. I know. I'm a sucker. But I just couldn't resist!

The wall hangings.

3 sets of these butterflies.

A frog humidifier. Never mind how cute it is! :)

9 of these buckets. I figure I can use them for all sorts of things.

The mobile. I'm sure Charlotte will love it!

4 of these curtains. I also bought some sheer curtains, from Target. The kind that cover the entire window.

I bought 4 sheets. I figured that they would come in handy. :)

I got 3 of these cute blankets.

And 3 of these blankets. :)

I know. It's a lot! But Charlotte is going to need it. So I figured I'd get everything right away. I really do love it all! And after talking to my bestie, I'm going to paint the walls lavender. I'm going to leave the trim and wainscoting white. I'm so excited to get everything together for Charlotte! H

Rock-A-Bye Glider and Ottoman

I bit the bullet. And I ordered my Glider and Ottoman. The 2 together were under $550. And they were worth every penny! Oh my goodness! They are comfortable. I've secretly considered buying 2 of these chairs, but the cream ones, for my living room. :)

Don't tell me that this chair doesn't look comfy. In real life, I fell asleep in it, on the day it was delivered. :)

And a comfy ottoman, for those late nights of breastfeeding. :)

Yes, after looking and looking, I ordered this set from Babies 'R Us. I feel like it was a really good deal. Like I said, it's super comfy. It's firm and supportive, but really comfy. And I decided on the green, because it matches all 4 of the bedding sets, that I've been thinking about. Every set has green in it. So I think this will go really well. Now I just can't wait to rock my baby to sleep. H

DaVinci Jayden Furniture

So I finally decided on a Nursery set. Well, at least the furniture. The bedding, I have it narrowed down to 2 boy sets, and 2 girl sets. I have a little while longer to figure that out. Oh, and to learn if my baby is boy or a girl.

But as far as the nursery furniture, I bought the DaVinci Jayden set in Espresso. I think it's a nice neutral set. Something that can be used for a boy or a girl. And it grows with your baby! That was the biggest reason I fell in love with it. In total, I think I spent just over $2000 on the entire set and mattress. With all the attachments for later on too. There are 6 pieces. And there were another 3 sets of attachments that I had to buy. Actually, S paid for those. :)

This is the 3 main pieces together. Isn't it cute? I can't believe that I'm going to have a baby to fit in there!

This is the crib. It's one of those 4 in 1 cribs. You know, it goes from a crib to a toddler bed, to eventually a full sized bed. :)

This is a picture of it as a Daybed. For the toddler bed, there is a half rail that goes on the open end.

And see, eventually it will be a full sized bed. The sides of the crib become the head and foot boards. Yup, we got those rails and the ones for the toddler bed. :)

For some reason, the rest of the furniture looks like it doesn't match. It was just the website where I got the pictures. All the furniture is the color of the crib. In the 1st and 2nd pictures. :)

This is the big 5 drawer dresser. The top 2 drawers have dividers in them. So they are like 2 different drawers. Love it!

This is a 4 drawer dresser. But it's short enough to be like a night stand. And that's what I'm planning on using it as. Next to a chair. I just need to pick one. :)

This is another storage shelf thing. I couldn't find the picture of the entire unit though. It has a top part that is more shelving. Almost like a cabinet type of a thing. There are 3 long drawers and a 2 shelf thing on the side. Very useful!

And I got a book case. Of course for some books for my baby. But also for some little special items. And it has a drawer on the bottom.

I couldn't find the changing table. But it looks like the 5 drawer dresser. It just has 3 drawers and the railings for the top. You can take those off and use them as a dresser afterward.

I feel good now that I've got my baby's nursery furniture. I actually ordered it a while back. But I had it delivered to my new house. And S put it all together today. :) It seems like a lot of furniture. But the nursery is really big. And I still need to get some sort of chair or rocker. But I'm waiting a little while for that. I don't know exactly what I want. It just nice to see a crib in my Baby's Nursery. :)H

Starting Over

Today is the day. After S and Blue Eyes had to work yesterday, it was an unusual week, they're helping me move today. I'm sad. I'm sad to be leaving all my friends behind. My job. I really have grown to love it so much! I'm sad to be moving so far away. But I'm also excited. This is going to be amazing for me and my baby. A new beginning. A new home. Just a new start at a new life.

We're moving today. I'm getting out on my own. I'm going to own my own home. And I'm creating a life for me and my baby. My family. It's exciting. It's scary. It's a whole mess of emotions. But I'm so excited! I'm just glad that my friends could be here to help me. :) H