Mixed Emotions

I know I've been really emotional this week. Well, for the last few weeks. But watching this video, it made me both very sad and very happy.

Sad for Charlotte. Because she won't get to have these precious moments, with her Daddy. Chris is amazing with Chloe. I just wish T would feel this way about Charlotte. She won't get to feel the love from her Daddy. And to spend that much needed Daughter-Daddy time together. I know it's hard. Because that's how I grew up.

But this video also makes me happy and excited. Just watching Chloe makes me excited. Excited to watch my little girl grow! I can't wait to play with her. To watch her sucking her thumb. Or even just watching her sleep. I'm so excited for Charlotte to be here.

Although there are so many other things going on, it's the love for my daughter that has me going. Knowing that in a few days, I will have her to hold and love, it makes all of this worth it! All of it. Not sleep. All the discomforts of pregnancy. The stress with T and our divorce. My Baby Girl makes it all worth while! Now all I have to do, is what for her to be ready. I LOVE you Charlotte! H

Pregnancy and Sex

Today I had my 1st official "Post-term, non-stress test." We're not any closer to delivery than I was last week. Or a month ago for that matter. But Charlottte and I are doing really well. We're both perfectly healthy and on track. But I'm 3 days past my due date. Which isn't a lot. At least that is what my doctor told me. And I have 11 more days until I can be induced...

So both my midwife and my doctor gave me a long list of suggestions. Most of which, I've already been doing. You know, spicy food, long walks, teas, different herbs, etc. I've been trying them all. Nothing is working. My contractions aren't anywhere near regular and constant. I actually had more contractions last week.

The only thing on these lists that I haven't tried is sex. And both of these women keep encouraging it. I do believe that my doctor told me that if she could prescribe it, she would. And my midwife told me to "go have some fun."

The problem is, there is no one in my life. Not in that kind of romantic sense. I'm in the middle of a divorce. My hubby, he can't stand me. He doesn't want our daughter. S, well he's my friend. Would he do it if I asked? I'm positive that he would. Being that he always wants to help me. And he likes to take care of Charlotte and me. Oh, and he wants us to date. But I'm not going there. I can't screw up another friendship. Not right now.

And I'm not comfortable with myself. Not with my body. I'm big. I haven't seen my feet in, I don't know how long. My breasts are 3 sizes larger than normal. I lose my breath walking to my car. And my medical professionals want me to have sex. Don't they understand that the night I got pregnant, that was the last time. I was with my hubby.

Now I'm alone. To deal with all of this. Being overdue and uncomfortable. Being somewhat frustrated with my body. I'm not scared of raising my daughter alone. I'm scared that I'm never going to go into labor. And the only thing that people tell me to do, I can't do. Because seriously, who would have sex with me? I'm 9 months pregnant. And not feeling a bit attractive. I'm hoping that the 5 mile walk, that S and I took tonight, I hope that helps. If not, I might be pregnant for another 9 months! H

T Makes Me Sad

Today we went to Court. Again. I know. It feels unreal. Like this is a broken record or something. The judge is so fed up with T. But T almost demanded that we have a Court date today. 2 days before my due date. Yes, I waddled to Court. S came with me. And I'm so glad! I needed the support. It was a tough day!

T doesn't want to be Charlotte's dad. He wants no DNA test. He wants nothing to do with our sweet Baby Girl. Nothing. It makes me so sad. Yes, T told the judge that he wants to sign over all "Parental Rights" to me. T doesn't want to be a father to our daughter.

But like I said, the judge is fed up with my husband. And he has left it all up to me. I can (A) leave T's name off of Charlotte's Birth Certificate. Which would mean that T would not be held responsible for anything. I could never ask for Child Support. Essentially, my daughter wouldn't have a dad. But as far as that goes, T has already made that decision. (B) I can put T's name on Charlotte's Birth Certificate. Then I can "accept" his petition to forfeit all rights to our daughter. So Charlotte would know who her dad is. But he wouldn't have any rights or responsibilities.Or (C) I can put T's name on Charlotte's Birth Certificate and "not accept" his petition. We'd have to have a DNA test. And T would have to pay child support. He'd be responsible for his daughter. And if he wanted, he could seek some visitation rights.

I don't know what to do. I want my daughter to know her father. I really do. I wish that he would wake up. I see him with Baby M. He's so loving to her. Why can't he be that way with Charlotte? But I don't want to force something that's not there. Because that wouldn't be good for Charlotte. I know. I've been there. I was forced to see my dad. Who was horrible. Until I was old enough to say I didn't want to live through that anymore.

I'm more than willing to support my daughter. That's why I've worked so hard now that I'm pregnant. I've been the one to buy everything that she needs. Including our home. I'm taking care of her. And I will continue too. I'll continue to work. I don't care what I have to do. I will take care of my daughter. So I'm not looking at this from the financial side of things.

The judge didn't want to hear my decision. Not until Charlotte is born. Pretty much like our divorce. Nothing will be finalized until after Charlotte is born. It makes me so sad. My husband and I should be happy right now. We should be excited about becoming parents. About this precious baby girl I have growing inside of me. We shouldn't be arguing. We shouldn't be getting divorced. It feels unreal.

Before we even got married, T and I would talk about growing up in "Broken Homes." And how much we didn't want our kids to grow up like that. We didn't want them to be in the middle of fights. T wanted to be a dad so bad! We talked about babies, before we ever talked about marriage. And almost right after we got married, T really wanted a baby. I know that's why my miscarriage was such a tough time for us. Our 1st baby wasn't planned. But loved so much, when we did find out. It ripped both of our hearts out when we lost our baby.

Now our lives are such a mess. We fight over everything. I don't want nothing from T. I just want to be divorced. To put this mess behind us. To focus on our daughter. If he doesn't want to be around, I don't want to force him. But I want my daughter to be able to know her older sister, Baby M. I want them to have a good relationship. To be able to be loving sisters. I want Charlotte to one day know, that I tried everything I could, to make her life better.

After my miscarriage, I was in shock. I blamed myself. Then T resented me. Things went downhill quickly. But we wanted to fix our problems. We started counseling. I thought we were on track. I wanted to work this out. Because T and I were only married just over 13 weeks. 13 weeks of bliss, before our world fell apart.

I never knew what else he was doing. That while I was trying to make our marriage work, he was sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. That he was dating another woman on top of that! That he was expecting another baby. I never knew that. If I did, maybe things would have been different.

But this is where our lives are. Trying to decide what to do with life. I don't care about the money that T has to pay me. How our joint assets are to be separated. Or any kind of material situation. I just want a divorce. I want to get on with my life. And I want a happy and healthy daughter.

I want Charlotte to have a good relationship with her dad. But that is up to T. There is nothing I can do to fix this. I know that there is nothing left to fight for in my marriage. It's over. But my daughter deserves better. She deserves a dad that loves her. That wants to spend time with her. But if he doesn't want it, I'm glad he decided now. Before she is born. Before she grows dependent of him. Before a relationship is built. Before she can be hurt.

Everything about T hurts. It all hurts now. It hurts that he left me. That he lied to me. That he cheated on me. It hurts that he calls me horrible names. And tells me that he wished that Charlotte would never have been created. T tells me the cruelest things that you could imagine. My husband was supposed to love me forever. We were supposed to have a family together. And grow old. Now, he can't stand to be anywhere near me. But it kills me that he doesn't want to be Charlotte's daddy.

I expected more of T. There are 2 innocent baby girls here. Baby M and Charlotte. I want them to have a loving daddy. To have a man that steps up to the plate. A man that is responsible and loving. These little girls deserve to be loved. They deserve a good daddy.

But I'm learning that I can't control these things. I clearly can't control T. It kills me that Charlotte will never get to sleep on her daddy's chest. Or that he won't be there to teach her all sorts of things. Like how to fish or play with W. That there will never be love that is shared between them. Charlotte will never get to see the side of T that I fell in love with. The caring and loving man. The man that takes care of you when you're sick. That gently kisses your head as you're falling asleep. My daughter will never know those things. She'll never get to reach out for her daddy or kiss his cheek.

T will never kiss her boo boos. He'll never put her to sleep. He won't be protective of his daughter. He won't comfort her when she's upset. Or just love her because she is his daughter. Charlotte will never smile when T walks into a room. Because she won't know him. But this is T's decision. Not mine. Not Charlotte's. Only T's. One day, he will regret this. When Charlotte is calling another man, Daddy. It will be then, that he will feel that tug at his heart. And it's then, that he will have to explain to Charlotte why he walked away. H

Scared

All of a sudden, I'm scared. About giving birth. With all these classes I'm taking, videos I've watched, and stuff I've read...I'm starting to freak out!

It just makes me wonder. How does your body get ready for birth? I'm already feeling Charlotte drop. It's already making walking difficult. And I still have at least 3 weeks to go. I hear, I can be pregnant for another 5 weeks! What? 42 weeks pregnant...

But I'm also scared out of my mind! Because I'm sitting here wondering how my baby girl is going to come out of me. I've never seen a "live" birth. Um, how does your body do this? How do you stretch enough for a baby to come out?

I remember when I started my period, my mom wouldn't let me use a tampon. She said it would hurt. Because I was young. And I wasn't "big enough down there" for a tampon. What? Ya, that's what she said. How "big" do you have to be to use a tampon? I just thought she was nuts! I'm pretty sure I was right about that too.

Then when I was a young teen, she told me that sex was horrible. That it would hurt like hell. That only guys enjoyed it. Um. This is the same crazy lady that had a trunk of "goodies" when she started dating my step-dad.

Again, my mom was wrong. Sex didn't necessarily hurt the first time. But she did tell me that nothing in the world is worse than childbirth. Uh oh. I think she might actually be right about this. But again, I'm not sure. 2 of 3...she was wrong. I think she was just trying to scare me. Childbirth is different from everything else she told me about though. Because all of those things, went "in." My daughter will be coming out...

I think I need to stop thinking about all of these things. Because it's just freaking me out! Millions of women give birth every year. And they survive. I'm going to too. Our bodies are built for this. I just need to stop thinking about it. Baby Charlotte and I are going to be OK. We're going to be healthy, and her birth is going to go smoothly. H