1 Month!!!

I can't believe I'm exactly 1 month away from meeting Charlotte! Wow! It's seems so far. But so close. I'm so excited! I honestly can't wait to hold her in my arms. I know she's been growing strong inside of me, but to be able to hold her. That is what I'm most excited about. :)

This is probably going to be the longest month of my life! But I know my baby girl needs to "cook" some more. So I'm going to be patient. And I hope I only have to wait a month. Did you hear that Charlotte? But seriously, whenever she is ready to come, I'm ready for her!

The other thing I've been thinking a lot about is my maternity leave. 6 weeks. That's what I get. I debated taking off a week before my due date. Then I read were you can be up to 2 weeks late before they induce labor. Ugh! I don't want that. So I decided to work until Charlotte comes. That way, well you know. I get to spend the entire 6 weeks with my little girl. :) Now all I have to do is sit and wait for my baby girl to get here. H

We Have a Daycare :)

I'm so excited! I found a Daycare. The perfect place. Literally, it's down the road from my job. Which is great! Since I'm going to be breastfeeding. That means I can spend my lunch breaks with my little girl. Feeding her. :)

And the people at the Daycare are amazing! So sweet. And really good with the kids. There are only 2 babies to 1 care giver. I think that is incredible. The Daycare is super clean. And honestly, it's a beautiful place. I feel really comfortable with having Charlotte there.

And I completely lucked out. Because a few days before I went to look into this Daycare, a family with 3 kids, moved. It just happened that I went for a tour on their last day. And the owner was there. She was beyond thrilled that I work down the road. And that I want to breastfeed and cloth diaper.

2 days later, I got the call. That we had gotten in! I'm really excited. And it's not one of those crazy, overly expensive places. But it's clean. Really clean. I think this is going to be so good for Charlotte. Hopefully when she starts preschool and kindergarten it will be as smooth. We're on waiting lists for both. Yes, it's that crazy here! H

Happy Anniversary T

Today is our 1st Anniversary. It started out with a fight between us. Not the way I was looking at starting my day. It was a horrible fight. I was just trying to leave for work when I passed him in the hallway. And his yelling began. It ended with some of the guys he works with shoving him into a room. And me crying as I made my way to the elevator. I felt completely empty inside. And this day is ending with me, waiting for my flight home...

It's almost been a year since my husband and I got married. And we're both back to the original crime scene. :(

We've been separated since June. And well, life has taken an awful turn. But I have to face it. I have to face life.

We lost a baby in June. A baby that we hadn't planned. A baby I only knew about for a few short days. That's when our downward spiral began...

We lived in separate house for almost 3 months. Then I moved and started working again. I needed something to do. My life was empty. And I was miserable.

T and I tried. We'd sneak of to a date here and there. While we were working in the Fall, we'd share a room on some trips. We'd watch movies and laugh like we used to. But it was always for small bits of time.

And this weekend...we're both working here...

I knew marriage wouldn't be easy. But this is ridiculous! He makes me so mad!!!

I really can't believe it's almost been a year. It's seems both longer and shorter. Just give me some patients to deal.

Today is a sad reminder of what my life should have been. Tomorrow is our actual anniversary. But I got married on a Saturday. So today really feels like the day that should mark our wedding date.

Very similar to today in a lot of ways. But today, I found myself sitting in a hotel room. Watching the rain fall. Unsure of my next move.


I felt very alone and sad. Not like a year ago. When my bestie was here with me. Helping me get ready to walk down the aisle. Me joking with her that we could turn this into a double wedding. She just laughed me off!

I shouldn't let it get to me. But it's just a sad place I'm in today. I'm only HERE because I have to work. So I decided to leave early. To leave with the 1st team. Tomorrow, T will head home with the 2nd team.

I really wish I was at home. Curled up in bed.

Happy Anniversary to me and my Mr. We're still not talking. We did manage to get into a fight this morning. And he still doesn't believe that our baby is his.

He's the one that cheated. I didn't. I wanted to make this marriage work. I didn't want to admit that it was over.

That stress added to my "situation" right now...it's not good. But I had to work today. And I had to see him.

Now I sit and wait for a plane ride home. I just don't want to be around anyone else. I want to be alone in my bed...at home. H

Oh the Rumors

You see, my husband has a rather public job. Lots of people know him. Or at least know of him. When we got married last year, let's just say, we ended up paying thousands and thousands of dollars to keep it under the radar. We had to pay off 3 magazines not to run stories. And we almost sued our photographer for trying to sell pictures. The crazy thing is, we're not famous!

But I've been hearing rumors lately. Rumors of another baby. One that is a lot more ready to meet the world then my baby. I'm not sure what to think. Would T do this to me? I know we've been separated since June. Working out issues from my miscarriage. I know we legally separated by the end of the summer. But really? I mean, we're still married.

It just leaves me wondering. I'm not sure if I should believe the rumors or not. What makes it worse, he doesn't seem to be denying them from what I can see. I mean, it's online. If he paid to keep our wedding pictures out of the press, don't you think he would be threatening legal action? I'm just wondering here...

I'm here working. And I can't even concentrate on that. My boss, well he had a tough day today. But all I can think about is T and this other baby. It makes me sad. Mostly because T still doesn't know about our baby. He just doesn't give me the chance to tell him. H

Ups and Downs

The last few days have been really exciting! My job, well it's very exciting. I can't really give you many details about it. But it's something a lot of people wish they could do. I'm very lucky!

My boss (aka Mr. Blue Eyes), he's in love with my bestie. I secretly think, she's in love with him too! What's a mere 1735 miles across the country? These 2 talk on the phone nearly every night. I just wish that my bestie would just love him. They need each other. A lot more than they know it.

Well, Saturady I was working. And all my boss could do, was think about my bestie. We called her real quick. And that lit a spark under him. I could just imagine what would happen if they were to date. But he ended up having a nice day at work. And I'm super glad about that!

Then, our boss took us to the Super Bowl! There was a group of us. I secretly wish that my bestie had come too. She would have enjoyed it. But she was working. Lots of our friends came though. It was an experience like none other! I really did have a nice time.

But in the middle of all of this, I was fighting back all the hurt and pain. T and I are still not talking. I'm not sure what his resentment is all about. But I try. I've asked him to come to counseling with me. I'm ready to either move forward together, or simply put all of this behind us. He just doesn't want to deal with it.

Then we go and do stupid things. Why do I let this happen? I went to talk to him about the baby. And the divorce papers. But that's not what ended up happening. Sometimes, I could just kick myself for loving him so much! H

Ice Cream Makes It All Better

The last few days have been tough. I've cried. I've been so excited! And also so sad. This isn't how this was supposed to be. But it's the way my life is going. And I've felt so sick! The constant rain really reflected how I was feeling too!

In my hour of need, a good friend came to check on me. S has just been here for me. And I know he'll be here for my little Honeybee. I just need to be honest. Well, I NEED to tell T first. Then I can tell other people. Like my bestie, my boss, and S.

I know I've been really out of it lately. Sick and exhausted. Now I know why. It's been 3 days since I got a positive pregnancy test. And it's good news. But I'm scared. What is T going to do? Or think. I mean, we never really worked through all of our problems. Now we're expecting a baby.

But my friend came to see me. We ended up going out for some Rocky Road ice cream. :) I really needed that! And I honestly felt better. Funny how ice cream can do that to a gal! But it felt good just to get out and laugh for a little while. Things have been so stressful around here. And everywhere I go, I see T. Even if we're not really talking. Because we work for the same company.



It's tough. But the ice cream and the company really did cheer me up! Is that weird? I know. It doesn't make up for me and T not talking. But I really needed a few hours of happiness. And lots of laughter! Like I said, ice cream just seems to cure so much! So does a few hours of good, hard laughing. :) H