Thursday, June 3, 2010

I Year

It's been 1 year since I miscarried T and I's 1st baby. We didn't even know about our baby. Until it was too late. I found out I was pregnant the day before. While T was away working. And I took a test. Because I was curious. I had been feeling really tired. Despite our recent vacation. And it was positive! And I wanted to wait to tell my hubby in person.

That night when he called, I didn't let on. Because I didn't want him to know. Not yet anyways. That was the single worst mistake of my life! But I thought, in 2 days, I'd see him. And I'd tell him. We hadn't planned on baby so quickly after we got married. But most blessings come when you least expect them. So I was excited!

In the middle of the night, I started to not feel well. I wasn't sure what was wrong. But I laid in bed. Trying to sleep. But I felt horrible. Our dog, W, he just laid really close to me. Like he knew something was wrong. The next morning, I miscarried our baby.

I had to call an ambulance. Because I was bleeding so much. No one was around. My friends were all gone. My hubby was gone. Everyone was gone working. And I didn't know what to do...

I remember how cold and alone I felt at the hospital. All I wanted to do was call T. But he doesn't have a "regular 9-5" kind of job. He can't really call in sick. That left me unsure of what to do. I stayed in the hospital for 2 days. The night I was supposed to fly to meet T, I called him. I just told him that I didn't feel well. And I was going to stay home that weekend.

He was concerned. He felt bad. T wanted to come and check on me. But he had to be in PA. He thought that maybe our recent trip to FL had just got me tired. And he thought I needed my rest. I stayed home. Instead of flying to PA. And when he got back in the middle of the night that Sunday, I didn't want to talk...

It turns out, he saw some of the blood. In the bathroom. He didn't know what had happened. I think he was scared to ask. And he didn't want to bother me. Or upset me. So he left.

I didn't know what to tell my hubby that night. How do you explain that you miscarried your baby? How do you tell him that you kept the pregnancy from him? Be it just a few hours before miscarrying. I didn't know how to talk to him. And he just left me alone. For weeks, he stayed with various friends. And when we were around each other, all we did was fight.

T started drinking a lot. And doing a lot of stupid things. I found out months later about this. His friends weren't talking to him. We were barely communicating. And I felt bad. But I didn't really know how to talk to him. What would he say? On July 31st, I moved out.

In my heart, I knew that I had lost my husband. Something was different. He didn't want to be around me. And when I did tell him about the miscarriage, he blamed it all on me. Like I had done it on purpose. Like I was the one that was trying to hurt him. I couldn't get over that. And it wasn't T. He wasn't like this. Where was all this anger coming from?

We tried for months to reconcile. And until February, I thought we might be able to work through this. Well, I guess I was wrong. In so many ways. Because I really thought we could get our marriage back on the right track. We'd have date nights. Spend time together. Do little things like that. So much so, I wasn't as careful as I should have been. And we made our precious little girl on Christmas night...

On January 24, 2010 we should have become parents for the 1st time. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I thought I was having a little girl. For months, I dreamt about a little girl. A little angel. I know she's in heaven. And I pray every night for her. I also hope that she is looking out for her little sister. Because Charlotte is going to need all the love she can get.

So much has happened in the last year. 1 year ago, my life was completely different. I had been happy. I was in love. I was a Newlywed! Counting the days until our "Honeymoon in Paradise." I had so many plans for T and I. I just knew that one day, we'd have kids. We'd be better parents than ours had been to us.

Now, I'm single. Pregnant. And trying to get a divorce. I'll always love my first baby. With all of my heart. She was made with so much love. A love that her parents had for each other. During such a happy time in their lives. What happened afterward, was never her fault. But I will never forget my little angel in the sky. H

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