Sunday, October 10, 2010
I know we're close to meeting. Lots of things feel very different today. We've been in "labor" since Friday. At least that is what our midwife keeps telling me. But I have a feeling, that today, is the day that we get to meet. The day I finally get to hold you in my arms. I can't wait to look into your eyes. And kiss your sweet cheeks! Just thinking about it, makes me so excited!
Over the last 9 months, we've grown so close. We've been through so much! Your growth has been magical. I still remember the 1st time I felt you kick. I cried. I realized that you were really in my belly. Growing big and strong. It's been magical. Just all the new feelings. All of your kicks. And all of the love. We have so much love already. I feel like our bond is so strong!
It hasn't been an easy 9 months. I'd be lying if I said that. But together, we've made it through our pregnancy. You've been so strong for your Mommy. When I 1st found out about you, I was scared to death! How was I going to be a Mommy? What was going to happen? Would your Daddy be excited? And going through all that hard stuff, it's only made the 2 of us stronger. We've made it through all of those things. The 2 of us. We've started over. And I promise you, it's been all well worth it!
I'd do anything for you Charlotte. Anything in the world. I want you to have all the opportunities in life. I want you to be happy. And very healthy! To have a better life than me. I want all of those things for you. And I'll do my best to make your life a good one. A life that is fun, meaningful, and full of love.
Not only do I love you. But there are so many other people in our lives that love you too. All of your Mommy's friends. Mrs. G is already talking about how one day, you and her son are going to date. And get married. That scares your Mommy. But it's nice to see how my friends love you. All of us mommies, we're planning lots of play dates. I want you to have lots of close friends. To grow up in a community that loves you.
There are also 3 very special people in our lives. They're so excited to meet you. Your Uncle S, he just loves you. Everything about you, it makes him smile. You melt his heart. He's a big "manly man." But when he hears your heartbeat, sees your little face, or feels you kick, he just melts. He wants to protect you. And to provide for us. He wants to love us. And he even asked me if he could be your Daddy. We're still working on that. But I know, your Uncle S, he will always be in your life. He will love you like you are part of him. Because you are. You might not be his DNA, but you my dear baby girl, are part of his heart. And you now own his entire heart!
Then there are your Godparents. They love you more than I could ever imagine. They're always calling me. Checking on us. Making sure we're OK. Your Nono, he is always doing thoughtful things for us. Like your nursery at his house, helping me with our move, and with my job. He loves us. A lot!
Your Nana, she just amazing. She loves you with every ounce of her heart. That's one thing you're going to learn about her. She is very independent. And has everything in order. All of her life. But she loves with all of her heart. To the point were it makes her weak and vulnerable. But that's a good thing. Because you can never love too much. Or be loved too much! Your Nana does such thoughtful things for us. Sends us little presents. Writes us the perfect cards. I'm telling you, she loves you like you were hers.
That's why I picked your Nana and Nono to be your Godparents. They're strong people. Hardworking. But they love with all of their hearts. They're going to teach you so much in your life! And they have so much love to share with you. So much love!
We have so many people that love us. We might not have a family. In the traditional sense. But we have people that love us. We've made our own family. And we're going to be your family. The people you can depend on. We're going to love and protect you, for the rest of our lives!
You might not have a Daddy. In the traditional sense. But you have men that are going to help fill that void. Uncle S, he's the guy that I want you to love like a Daddy. He already loves you. He thinks of you as his daughter. He wants to protect you. Love you. And provide for you. In his eyes, the sun rises because of you. I'd have to agree.
My bestie and I, we've been through a lot in our 27 years. Lots of things. But we've always been there for each other. Always! I hope and pray that you have a friend just like her. Someone that you can always depend on. To be honest, I also pray that your Nana and Nono will one day get married. They're perfect for each other. And they have so much love to give each other. Maybe you can help me with that. We can come up with some sort of plan to "Seal the Deal." And maybe they'll have you a little playmate soon! :)
For the last 9 months, we've grown together. You've grown big and strong. And I've tried to grow as a person. And as a Mommy. I've taken all the classes. I've prepared for you. And I've loved you. Now Charlotte Madeleine Grace, I'm ready to meet you. So if 10/10/10 is meant to be your birthday, I'm ready for the ride. I'm ready to celebrate this day with you.
This is a special day. The date is special all on it's own. It's also your Nono's birthday. He'd be so excited to share his day with you! And my dear baby girl, it's special because it's the day we get to meet! I just know it. I know that by tonight, I will get to hold you for the very 1st time.
I just pray that your Uncle S will get back in time. He's trying his best. I pray that your Nana helps your Nono celebrate his big day. And I pray for a safe and healthy birth for you. I want my little girl to be healthy. And safe. And happy. Most of all, happy. That's important in life.
W and me are ready to meet you! We've spent months getting ready for this day. Preparing our home for you. Getting your nursery ready. We're ready to welcome you into our home, our lives, and our family. Most of all Charlotte, I'm ready to be your Mommy. I already love you so much. And I'm going to do all that I can to protect you. For your entire life. Baby girl, I'm ready to be your Mommy. Now all you have to do is come into our world. I love you baby girl! And I'm ready when you are!
Look at this little face! So much detail!
Oh my goodness, they are so adorable!
You can have them customize them anyway you'd like! With a specific color of hair, eyes, and little dress!
Yup, I want to get one for Charlotte. But I've been resisting the urge to order one. Because I want to get her a doll, that somewhat looks like her. So maybe when she is a few weeks old, I'll order one. I'm betting that my daughter is going to be blond and either have green or blue eyes. I'm just saying...
Anyway, you can get these dolls at Imogens Garden. They also having smaller dolls that are less expensive. She also sells legwarmers. But these dolls, they're my favorite! H
Today is Mr. Blue Eyes' birthday! Happy Birthday! I hope you have an amazing day. You are so incredibly special to Charlotte and me. I really hope that your day is fun. And that you get everything that you want. Including a date and a birthday cake from my bestie! I've really been working on that! And who knows, maybe your Goddaughter will be born on your birthday too! 10-10-10 would be an easy birthday to remember. :)
More than anything, I want you to be happy. You have completely gone over and beyond your call as a friend. I'm so grateful for that. You've been my shoulder to cry on. More than once. As my life was falling apart, you were there to help me through it all. I'll never forget that.
I know, we have 40 more years to celebrate birthdays together. But I really want you to be happy. You deserve that. You do so much for everybody else in your life. Not only today, but all the time, I want you to be happy. To be able to have everything that you want in your life. Happy Birthday and Good Luck today! Your 2 biggest fans are cheering you on. :) H
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Yes, I've been "laboring" off and on, since yesterday afternoon. That's over 24 hours. And my midwife said, I still have a way to go, before I can head to the hospital. Just when I get really excited, my contractions all but completely stop! Ugh!
So tonight, while talking to Miss Charlotte, I decided to have a little bit of fun. I finally decided to make a new set on Polyvore. Here is my page. And this is the look I came up with.
You know, I just can't think of having to wear pants. I haven't worn pants in at least 2 weeks. I'm thinking it's been a lot longer. Everything that touches my belly, it annoys me. Clothes feel like they're strangling my body. No lie! So I have been wearing lots of dresses. Flowy dresses. With sandals. And I'm not a dress kind of a woman. Nope. All of the year before I got pregnant, I might have worn a dress 3 times.
But dresses have been my "go to," during my entire pregnancy. Love it! They're so comfy. And super easy! If I could just find some underwear that didn't bother me, we'd be perfect! Until then, I have Polyvore to play on. And maybe a nap to take. I didn't sleep much last night. H
Friday, October 8, 2010
Baby Girl, we're officially "7 days late." But I'm not at all worried. We've had 3 "Non-Stress Tests" this week. And during each one, you were doing amazing! Simply amazing! I got to hear your strong heartbeat. And I got to see your beautiful face this week. 3 times! Every time I see you, my heart melts. Yes, you do that to your Mommy!
Today, I got my membranes scraped after our normal appointment. It hurt. I'm not going to lie. And I started to have some strong contractions. But it is all worth it, if it helps you. Our contractions have almost stopped. It's been a couple of hours. But I feel different. Like this could be the weekend we meet. :)
On Monday and Wednesday, we got to hangout with Uncle S. He didn't want us to be alone. So he hung out with us. He made sure we ate lots of good food. We also managed to do some shopping. Because we went out for a long walk. And while we were walking, we found some nice Baby Shops. I can't wait to take you there when you're born!
Yes, your Uncle S is just spoiling you rotten! I'm sure that you have more clothes than you'll ever wear. And you have so many toys. I can't wait until you are big enough to play with them. The more shopping that I do, the more excited I am to meet you. Yes, Charlotte, your Mommy just can't wait to meet you!
W is also excited. I can tell. He knows something new is about to happen. He has been super close to us lately. Just snuggling with us. Sleeping with us in bed. Well, sleeping while your Mommy tries to sleep. This week, that's been really tough. But I'm trying. But I'm sure W is ready to meet you too. The 2 of you are still playing your games. He puts his cold nose on my belly, and you kick. He licks where you've kicked. And you kick again. It's so exciting to watch! :)
This week was also my last week of work. I only worked 2 days. But it was tough to get through those 2 days. I was so tired when I got home. So I'm thinking, that means that you are almost ready to be born. Now, we just get to relax. And wait for the day when we meet.
This week has been all about patients. I have to allow myself lots of time. I'm moving a lot slower. It's difficult to eat and sleep. But I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. It also takes me a really long time to get places. Because it's hard to walk. And I'm out of breath anytime that I'm moving or talking. But like I said before, it's all worth it. Just to see your beautiful face.
Every morning, I wake up wondering if this is the day. And I go to sleep every night, just starring at your bassinet. Dreaming about the day when you will sleep in there. When I can lay in my bed and watch you sleep. I'm very excited for that day to come!
But I've learned patients this week. I know that I have to wait. That only God knows when we are going to meet. That no matter how ready I am to meet you, you're just not ready to be born. It must be comfy inside! But your Mommy will have lots of patients. And I'll wait as long as I need to. Because I want you to be healthy and happy when you're born. Stay comfy as long as you need to baby girl!
•Treasure these last few days before your baby's birth. You are now 7 days "late." But realized you'll never be as close to each other again. So I'm enjoying this.
•This week you've most likely been having non-stress tests done. Just to check to make sure your baby is doing good. All that is done is hooking you up to an external fetal monitor, to see how active and responsive your baby is.
•The "average" first baby, is born 4 days after her estimated due date.
•Your baby will enjoy hearing you read the same stories after her birth, that you read to her, before her birth. You may even be able to tell that she recognizes them by calming down and becoming alert as you read.
•The placenta is a temporary organ. It begins to break down and become less effective after its 40 to 42 weeks are up so your care provider will be keeping a close eye on the well-being of your baby.
•She continues to grow; putting on weight more slowly. And her lungs are fully developed.
•The baby now weighs 7.9 lbs and is 20.3 in long.
•Congratulations! Any day now you will be cradling your baby!
Charlotte, you are amazing! I little stubborn. But truly amazing. We've had 3 non-stress test this week. And you are doing really well. I just think you are really comfy in your mommy. And I'm more than OK with that!
This coming week, well it's pretty much the same. Unless you decide it's time to come. Your mommy had her "membranes" scrapped. In hopes that it will start to move things along. I guess we just have to sit and wait. That's the hardest part. Waiting. Because I know, in about a week, we'll finally get to meet! :) H
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Then I remembered, I had ordered from GumDrop Pacifiers. I first learned about them from my bestie. She works in L&D, the NICU, PICU, and Pediatric Departments of a hospital. So whatever advice she has for me, I take it!
My Bestie was telling me how they give these little packets of GumDrop Pacifiers to Breastfeeding Moms. Perfect! They're designed to not "confuse" babies. Because of the shape of the nipples.
My bestie gave me 3 of these "Basic Baby Bundles." Each pack has 2 GumDrop pacifiers, 1 Cuddle Square, and 1 MAM Pacifier Keeper. These are a great deal at only $10!
I originally put in the order for some GumDrop Pacifiers. They're having a deal right now. Buy 6 and get 1 free. Oh, and it comes out to $10.50. Much cheaper than the regular pacifiers I see at the store. There are 4 colors, and 2 scents.
I also ordered 6 "Cheaper Keepers." And I got 2 free. They're having a buy 3, get 1 free deal going on right now. For under $7 you get 4 "Cheaper Keepers." And they come with all sorts of stickers to use too!
These are Cuddle Squares. I had 3 from my bestie. But I liked these polka dot ones. So I got a couple more. For $6 a piece! A steal. Because each one comes with a pacifier! :)
The Soothie Nipples are supposed to be designed exactly like the pacifiers. So I had to get some. :) For when I go back to work, and Charlotte is at Daycare. They're 2 for $4.50.
And of course, I needed the Soothie Bottles to go with the nipples. For when Charlotte is at Daycare. They come in 2 packs for $4. In either 5oz or 9oz sizes. I got a few packs of both.
I also bought this blanket. It's Winnie the Pooh. And it's supposed to be a soother. It also has rattles. And was only $10. It's super soft!
The small box, it was my order. The one I put in last week. The large box, well S put in a rush order on Monday. And both orders happened to be delivered today. Charlotte got 8 Canisters of GumDrops. Yes, I said 8 Canisters. Each Canister has 25 pacifiers! What are we going to do with them all? S also got Charlotte a variety of things from GumDrop's website. I'm positive that my little girl will have everything she needs when she's born. H
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
To be honest, I'd be comfortable with that too! I'd love to have S in the delivery room with me. Because he's been my main coach. S has gone with me to all of my classes. He's been amazing. I know he would be a great coach. But he's working. He has a job that he can't get away from. But next week, he'd be here. In town.
And I would really LOVE to have my bestie with me. She works in L&D. And has delivered babies. I'd love for her to be here with me. To help me with my labor and delivery. To be a coach. And to give me advice during my labor. Wouldn't it be neat to have Charlotte's Godparents here for her birth? To have them hear her 1st cries. And to see her during her first few moments of life.
Is that selfish of me? To want my friends here. I have no family here. I have a few casual friends here. But no one that I'm close to. I don't want to be alone on this important day. I want for my little girl to come into the world, surrounded by all the people that love her. The people that she's going to grow to love too. Maybe we're both just waiting until next week. H
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I know I've been really emotional this week. Well, for the last few weeks. But watching this video, it made me both very sad and very happy.
Sad for Charlotte. Because she won't get to have these precious moments, with her Daddy. Chris is amazing with Chloe. I just wish T would feel this way about Charlotte. She won't get to feel the love from her Daddy. And to spend that much needed Daughter-Daddy time together. I know it's hard. Because that's how I grew up.
But this video also makes me happy and excited. Just watching Chloe makes me excited. Excited to watch my little girl grow! I can't wait to play with her. To watch her sucking her thumb. Or even just watching her sleep. I'm so excited for Charlotte to be here.
Although there are so many other things going on, it's the love for my daughter that has me going. Knowing that in a few days, I will have her to hold and love, it makes all of this worth it! All of it. Not sleep. All the discomforts of pregnancy. The stress with T and our divorce. My Baby Girl makes it all worth while! Now all I have to do, is what for her to be ready. I LOVE you Charlotte! H
Monday, October 4, 2010
Today I had my 1st official "Post-term, non-stress test." We're not any closer to delivery than I was last week. Or a month ago for that matter. But Charlottte and I are doing really well. We're both perfectly healthy and on track. But I'm 3 days past my due date. Which isn't a lot. At least that is what my doctor told me. And I have 11 more days until I can be induced...
So both my midwife and my doctor gave me a long list of suggestions. Most of which, I've already been doing. You know, spicy food, long walks, teas, different herbs, etc. I've been trying them all. Nothing is working. My contractions aren't anywhere near regular and constant. I actually had more contractions last week.
The only thing on these lists that I haven't tried is sex. And both of these women keep encouraging it. I do believe that my doctor told me that if she could prescribe it, she would. And my midwife told me to "go have some fun."
The problem is, there is no one in my life. Not in that kind of romantic sense. I'm in the middle of a divorce. My hubby, he can't stand me. He doesn't want our daughter. S, well he's my friend. Would he do it if I asked? I'm positive that he would. Being that he always wants to help me. And he likes to take care of Charlotte and me. Oh, and he wants us to date. But I'm not going there. I can't screw up another friendship. Not right now.
And I'm not comfortable with myself. Not with my body. I'm big. I haven't seen my feet in, I don't know how long. My breasts are 3 sizes larger than normal. I lose my breath walking to my car. And my medical professionals want me to have sex. Don't they understand that the night I got pregnant, that was the last time. I was with my hubby.
Now I'm alone. To deal with all of this. Being overdue and uncomfortable. Being somewhat frustrated with my body. I'm not scared of raising my daughter alone. I'm scared that I'm never going to go into labor. And the only thing that people tell me to do, I can't do. Because seriously, who would have sex with me? I'm 9 months pregnant. And not feeling a bit attractive. I'm hoping that the 5 mile walk, that S and I took tonight, I hope that helps. If not, I might be pregnant for another 9 months! H
Sunday, October 3, 2010
I watched this video today. I kind of scared myself. You know with all the pain that is in my near future. But it was nice to watch a "real" labor. You know what I mean? I watched lots of videos in all the classes that I took. But this seems more real. And it was amazing to watch this mom with her baby girl. The baby just knew how to feed immediately. I can't wait until Charlotte's delivery! I know that sounds crazy. But I'm ready to meet my litte girl. :)
I just don't think I'll be that, well comfortable with my body though. You know to lay there completely naked for all to see. I might scare away my 3 birthing coaches. And that is the last thing I want to do. But I applaud this lady for being so comfortable with herself, to post this video. It has helped to calm some of my fears. H
Saturday, October 2, 2010
I just LOVE this video of Lilia! She is so cute. And I love the interaction with her and her parents. They all look so happy. She just lights up around her daddy. That is what kills me when I watch this video. Because all I can think of is, my daughter is not going to have that same relationship with her daddy. And that saddens me.
But just watching this video has made me excited. And so anxious! I can't wait to meet my daughter! To see her grow and change. To be able to hear her life. Or see her smile when she sees me. Oh, I'm so anxious to meet my little Charlotte. :)
Just watching Lilia play in her bath, that melted my heart. I can just imagine sharing that time with Charlotte. I can't wait until we can sit there and play. And we can make each other laugh. How exciting! I'm ready to be a mommy. I'm just waiting for my little girl to be born! H
Friday, October 1, 2010
Today is our due date. And I'm so excited to meet you! Every week I get to see you, and hear your heartbeat. And every week, I leave our doctor's appointment more anxious to meet you! But neither of us seem to be ready today. Our bodies just need some more time to get ready. We're no closer to labor and delivery than we were last week. And I learned today, we could be pregnant for another 2 weeks! Yes, another 2 weeks. I'm not sure I can wait that long to meet you.
It's been an emotional week. A week that I wish you didn't have to deal with. I'm trying to protect from all of this bad stuff. All of the things that your Daddy puts us through. But this week, we had to deal with it. And it saddens me. I hope we can get it all straightened out. I want to do that before you come.
It's tough. Because your Daddy wasn't always like this. He was so kind, gentle, and loving to me. That's why I married him. We dreamt of the day when we'd have a family together. And here we are. Getting ready to Welcome you into the world. And we can't get along.
But these are all "Grown Up" problems. And you don't have to worry about them. You just have to worry about staying healthy and happy. I will do everything else I can, to protect you. Your Uncle S and Nono are here to protect you too. They will try and fill this void, that you're going to have, in your life. And I hope they can. Because I don't want you to miss out on anything during your lifetime.
Your Nana is pretty amazing too! I know that she loves us so much! She carves out time to listen to your Mommy. And she keeps sending us both gifts! I wish that she lived closer to us. I wish that she'd let your Nono love her. Because she is an amazing woman. Someone that has so much love to give. But soon, you will learn all of this.
I picked her to be your Godmother because she's strong and independent. My bestie is so smart! Andis just an amazing woman. Everything that I wish I was. And I want you to learn how to be a strong woman. Someone who has strong morals, values, and beliefs. I want you to learn all of this from your Nana. She's an amazing woman.
As hard as we've had it, you and me, we have a bunch of amazing friends. Friends that are more like our family. And they love us. And pick up the slack for the people who are not here with us. The ones that are supposed to love us.
Soon enough, you'll get to meet everyone. And you're going to love them, just as much as they love you little Miss Charlotte. They love you so much! And we're all waiting on you. Waiting so patiently for you to come into the world. So that we can hold you and love you. Everyone keeps calling for updates. Uncle S spent so much time with us this week. We're just excited to meet you!
W and I are ready. We're ready to bring you home. To love you. To be a family together. And this week, I've learned that I have to wait. Because I can't make things happen, just because I want them to happen. Life comes when it comes. And we have to learn how to be patient. Charlotte your Mommy is being patient. And waiting for you to get big, healthy, and strong enough to be born! Love you lots little girl!
•Baby Girl, much of your vernix has vanished. But when you are born, there will still be a little bit on your body.
•15% of your body is fat. You haven't learned how to shiver yet. These fat stores will help regulate your temperature. So the fat is good.
•Between 60-75% of your body is water!
•Your chest is going to stick out a little bit. Almost as if you're ready to strut proudly, over your accomplishment of being born!
•Baby Girl your lungs will continue developing until birth. They are manufacturing large quantities of surfactant, which works to keep your air sacs open. This is good. It will help you breathe.
•You continue to grow. Your hair and nails are longer too. When you are born, we are going to need to trim those fingernails and put on your little mittens. We want to protect your precious face from scratches. I think I'm going to need some help there. But we'll get it done.
•You will have small breast buds when you are born. That is normal.
•Baby Girl, you now weigh 7.6lbs and are 20.2 in long.
•Any day now, I will be cradling you Charlotte! We will cherish these moments, and I learn all that I can about you. I'm so excited to meet you and love you. I hear that you will grow up so fast, and time will just fly by!
Charlotte, you are amazing! I got to see you today. And you look absolutely amazing. I can't wait to hold you! It's still hard to sleep. And to eat. Breathing is easier. But it's all OK. Because I know that this discomfort, only makes things for you easier. And a healthy Baby Girl is all I want!
We're "not at all ready." At least that is what my doctor tells me. We're looking at another week or 2 of pregnancy. And I got "The List" of things to do. You know, to help with labor. Contractions are hit and miss. Some days, I have really strong ones. And then, I go a few days without one. Ugh! My progress has almost stopped too. I was doing good a few weeks ago. You know all the "thinning" and "dilation."
I'm walking a lot too. Trying anything really. I figure if I exhaust myself, I can sleep better at night. Oh, and it's supposed to help Charlotte and our labor. I really hope that it helps. Because I'm ready to meet my Little Girl! But if she needs to stay comfy for another week or 2, I'm happy with that too! H
Thursday, September 30, 2010
On the eve of my due date, I'm craving these pudding pops. And I have none! Not a single one in my house. Ugh! And I don't want to go to the store. Especially at night. I can barely fit in my car. My belly has been touching the steering for a while now. So I try to avoid any extra and unnecessary driving.
But all I can think about are these pudding pops. They're amazing! A wonderful mix of pudding and ice cream. Wonderful! And after today at work, I really could use something amazing! Tomorrow, as soon as I leave my doctor's appointment, I"m going for a box or 2 of these bad boys! I might put myself in a sugar coma tomorrow night. H
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
T doesn't want to be Charlotte's dad. He wants no DNA test. He wants nothing to do with our sweet Baby Girl. Nothing. It makes me so sad. Yes, T told the judge that he wants to sign over all "Parental Rights" to me. T doesn't want to be a father to our daughter.
But like I said, the judge is fed up with my husband. And he has left it all up to me. I can (A) leave T's name off of Charlotte's Birth Certificate. Which would mean that T would not be held responsible for anything. I could never ask for Child Support. Essentially, my daughter wouldn't have a dad. But as far as that goes, T has already made that decision. (B) I can put T's name on Charlotte's Birth Certificate. Then I can "accept" his petition to forfeit all rights to our daughter. So Charlotte would know who her dad is. But he wouldn't have any rights or responsibilities.Or (C) I can put T's name on Charlotte's Birth Certificate and "not accept" his petition. We'd have to have a DNA test. And T would have to pay child support. He'd be responsible for his daughter. And if he wanted, he could seek some visitation rights.
I don't know what to do. I want my daughter to know her father. I really do. I wish that he would wake up. I see him with Baby M. He's so loving to her. Why can't he be that way with Charlotte? But I don't want to force something that's not there. Because that wouldn't be good for Charlotte. I know. I've been there. I was forced to see my dad. Who was horrible. Until I was old enough to say I didn't want to live through that anymore.
I'm more than willing to support my daughter. That's why I've worked so hard now that I'm pregnant. I've been the one to buy everything that she needs. Including our home. I'm taking care of her. And I will continue too. I'll continue to work. I don't care what I have to do. I will take care of my daughter. So I'm not looking at this from the financial side of things.
The judge didn't want to hear my decision. Not until Charlotte is born. Pretty much like our divorce. Nothing will be finalized until after Charlotte is born. It makes me so sad. My husband and I should be happy right now. We should be excited about becoming parents. About this precious baby girl I have growing inside of me. We shouldn't be arguing. We shouldn't be getting divorced. It feels unreal.
Before we even got married, T and I would talk about growing up in "Broken Homes." And how much we didn't want our kids to grow up like that. We didn't want them to be in the middle of fights. T wanted to be a dad so bad! We talked about babies, before we ever talked about marriage. And almost right after we got married, T really wanted a baby. I know that's why my miscarriage was such a tough time for us. Our 1st baby wasn't planned. But loved so much, when we did find out. It ripped both of our hearts out when we lost our baby.
Now our lives are such a mess. We fight over everything. I don't want nothing from T. I just want to be divorced. To put this mess behind us. To focus on our daughter. If he doesn't want to be around, I don't want to force him. But I want my daughter to be able to know her older sister, Baby M. I want them to have a good relationship. To be able to be loving sisters. I want Charlotte to one day know, that I tried everything I could, to make her life better.
After my miscarriage, I was in shock. I blamed myself. Then T resented me. Things went downhill quickly. But we wanted to fix our problems. We started counseling. I thought we were on track. I wanted to work this out. Because T and I were only married just over 13 weeks. 13 weeks of bliss, before our world fell apart.
I never knew what else he was doing. That while I was trying to make our marriage work, he was sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. That he was dating another woman on top of that! That he was expecting another baby. I never knew that. If I did, maybe things would have been different.
But this is where our lives are. Trying to decide what to do with life. I don't care about the money that T has to pay me. How our joint assets are to be separated. Or any kind of material situation. I just want a divorce. I want to get on with my life. And I want a happy and healthy daughter.
I want Charlotte to have a good relationship with her dad. But that is up to T. There is nothing I can do to fix this. I know that there is nothing left to fight for in my marriage. It's over. But my daughter deserves better. She deserves a dad that loves her. That wants to spend time with her. But if he doesn't want it, I'm glad he decided now. Before she is born. Before she grows dependent of him. Before a relationship is built. Before she can be hurt.
Everything about T hurts. It all hurts now. It hurts that he left me. That he lied to me. That he cheated on me. It hurts that he calls me horrible names. And tells me that he wished that Charlotte would never have been created. T tells me the cruelest things that you could imagine. My husband was supposed to love me forever. We were supposed to have a family together. And grow old. Now, he can't stand to be anywhere near me. But it kills me that he doesn't want to be Charlotte's daddy.
I expected more of T. There are 2 innocent baby girls here. Baby M and Charlotte. I want them to have a loving daddy. To have a man that steps up to the plate. A man that is responsible and loving. These little girls deserve to be loved. They deserve a good daddy.
But I'm learning that I can't control these things. I clearly can't control T. It kills me that Charlotte will never get to sleep on her daddy's chest. Or that he won't be there to teach her all sorts of things. Like how to fish or play with W. That there will never be love that is shared between them. Charlotte will never get to see the side of T that I fell in love with. The caring and loving man. The man that takes care of you when you're sick. That gently kisses your head as you're falling asleep. My daughter will never know those things. She'll never get to reach out for her daddy or kiss his cheek.
T will never kiss her boo boos. He'll never put her to sleep. He won't be protective of his daughter. He won't comfort her when she's upset. Or just love her because she is his daughter. Charlotte will never smile when T walks into a room. Because she won't know him. But this is T's decision. Not mine. Not Charlotte's. Only T's. One day, he will regret this. When Charlotte is calling another man, Daddy. It will be then, that he will feel that tug at his heart. And it's then, that he will have to explain to Charlotte why he walked away. H
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
I haven't been able to really eat in at least a week. It's almost like I can't fit the food in my belly. Like Charlotte is getting so big, there is no room for anything else. Nothing sounds good. Nothing looks good. I just can't handle it.
I know that sounds weird. But I haven't been able to eat meals in what feels like forever. But I've been eating lots of grapes. Because they're easy. And I can eat small bunches, every couple of hours. Yes, I've been living off of grapes. I hope that I get to eat sometime soon. H
Monday, September 27, 2010
My friend S had a tough day yesterday. And I wanted to do something to cheer him up. Every Monday, S comes over for dinner. He drives over 3 hours to come visit me. One way! When I get home from work, he is sitting on my porch waiting for me. S always brings dinner, and usually something for Charlotte. Then he helps me with different projects around my house.
S is a great guy! He had a tough day yesterday. A really tough day. I wanted to do something special for him. Like cook him dinner. You know, instead of him buying something. So I'm planning on making this. Doesn't it look good? And it looks pretty easy. Something that I can't mess up. :)
Now I just need to go to work. And try and get off early. So that I can get to the grocery store. And hopefully have dinner ready for S. I told him not to worry about anything this week. Let's hope I can get it all done. H
Sunday, September 26, 2010
These are the 8 dolls so far. With their little animal friends. Each doll comes with an animal.
They are seriously cute! And actually pretty big. About 13 inches tall.
This is the doll that my friend got Charlotte. I just think she is so cute! And she comes with a little Zebra!
I just couldn't resist. Look at those cute pjs. And the little sheep! I bought this little one just last week. :)
These 2 are on my list. They're twins! :)
These have to be the cutest little dolls! Like I said, each doll comes with a little animal. These are like a "Modern Rag Doll." At least that is what they remind me of. They are a little pricey. About $45 for a doll. Or the 2 last ones can be bought together for $67. But I think they're a great buy. Because it's something your little girl can grow with. And the fabrics are so lush! H
Friday, September 24, 2010
•Baby Girl, the lanugo has mostly disappeared> That's the hair you had all over your body. But there is still a little bit on your shoulders, arms and legs. It's in the "protected" creases of your body. And it's supposed to go away on it's own. No need to worry!
•Your little lungs are maturing and surfactant production is increasing. You are now fully prepared to take on the outside world!
•Baby Girl, you don't have much room to move around. I can certainly tell! Things are getting tight in there. I never imagined 8 months ago, that you would be able to use your toe to grab my ribs, while elbowing my bladder. You have grown so much!
•Your body continues to lay on the fat stores, that will help to regulate your body temperature after birth. Not only do you have normal fat, but you are also getting used to a special "brown" fat in the nape of your neck, between your shoulders and around organs. Brown fat cells are important for thermogenesis (generating heat) during his first weeks.
•Baby Girl you weigh about 7.25 lbs and are about 19.9 in long.
Things feel so weird and different this week. Charlotte is definitely "dropping." And I'm feeling very different things this week. New movements. It's difficult to get into good positions to sleep in. And sleep is generally just hard to come by. I've noticed that I've been really tired lately. Everything just exhausts me. But walking around, always makes us feel better.
I can also tell how Charlotte is running out of room in there. I feel her little feet in my ribs all day and night. And I can feel her moving around further down too. It's so weird to get all these movements at once. But it's so comforting to feel Charlotte moving around inside. H
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
I read this blog post today. I wish it had been around 3 months ago. Maybe I would have better known how to dress my body. Ugh! I'm just not good at these things. And I could have used the help. Especially for work clothes. Being that I'm less than a month from having Charlotte, I probably won't be buying any more maternity clothes. But this was a good read.
Cardigan Empire is a good blog in general. You know, for all things fashion related. And if you're pregnant, there is an entire section of the blog, dedicated to Maternity fashions and body types. At this point, I'm a "Low and Lush" gal! Is it funny, that I sorta wish, I was going to be pregnant for a few more months? You know, so I would have an excuse to go shopping. :) H
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Glee is coming back tonight! It's all I can think about. I know. I should be working. But I'm so excited for tonight. Yes, this is what my life has come to. I'm so excited about watching Glee!
If you need to catch up on last season, or you miss tonight's show, you can watch them here. But how could you miss tonight's show? I just don't know. I need to figure out my TV watching for tonight. You know with Life Unexpected. I'm pretty sure that my TiVo is going to be working tonight. So much good TV on Tuesday nights! H
Monday, September 20, 2010
Actually, I had seen these books a few times at Target. But I just hadn't ever really stopped to look at them. I can tell, this is a series that I'm sure Charlotte will love!
One day when S was here, he saw it in the nursery. He joked about it. Because the girl has some crazy hair going on. But soon he was reading the story to Charlotte. And today, he came over with this book. :)
And this doll. She's a little crazy. Look at her hair! But I'm sure that she's going to be well loved! S is just spoiling my little girl so much! And she's not even here. Because what else did he do tonight? He ordered the entire set of Pinkalicious books. Let's hope Charlotte really likes them. :) H
Sunday, September 19, 2010
I really wanted a Diapee. I just think they're a good product. Something that can get a lot of use. :)
And this entire set. It just makes me so happy! A Wipee case, some burp clothes, and a changing pad. All so chic!
This is definitely a must have for a breastfeeding Mommy!
Well, part of our gifts from my bestie, they included all 3 of these items. But she made them. All out of hot pink and the black and white damask fabric. So incredibly cute! And I think they'll really go well with my diaper bag. Thank you so much bestie! The ones that my bestie made, are even cuter than these ones! Is that possible? Yes, it is! H
Saturday, September 18, 2010
I can't wait to dress up W for Halloween! You know, W is "Superdog." :)
But it got me thinking. Charlotte is going to be a few weeks old at Halloween. And we live in a "Family" neighborhood. I was already planning on handing out candy. But I had forgotten about Halloween costumes. So I went looking online last night.
This is what I found for Charlotte...
I'm really in love with this little pink bunny. I know it's a little big. But this is just precious!
Sunshine Bear? Are you serious? Another really cute baby costume. And who doesn't like the Care Bears?
This sunflower is too cute! And it looks very "Newborn Friendly" too!
A Glow Worm? I'm in love! This is just a cute costume!
Now some costumes for me...
A Ladybug. I think this is nice. A good post-pregnancy costume. One that I can modify a bit to be more "Mommy Friendly."
This Bumblebee is also a nice choice. Covers up everything. And is still cute.
This Fairy/Butterfly is also a nice one. I'd would probably wear leggings with the skirt. And a long sleeve top instead of this top. You know, I'm going to be a mommy. :)
I had fun looking at all the costumes. Trying to decide on what to buy. I want Halloween to be special for Charlotte and me. It's our 1st holiday together. And I think it's important to start good family traditions early. I just want my little girl to have everything that I didn't.
So what costumes did I order? I ordered Charlotte the pink bunny. It was a little expensive. But it's going to be so worth it! I can't wait to see her all dressed up. And I got the ladybug. I figured that with some leggings and flat shoes, I'd be OK. Now all I have to do is wait on my order. And my little girl. :) H
Thursday, September 16, 2010
After T and I separated, C and I still remained close. I know it was hard for her. She felt like she was having to choose between the 2 of us. I tried to make it easy for her. But T made it really difficult for her.
No matter what, C and I are close. And she's been amazing. Especially when I found out I was pregnant with Charlotte. She was my shoulder when I found out everything about T. And when I decided to get divorced. It's been tough. And C has been right here at my side.
C has also showered Charlotte and I with gifts during my pregnancy. At least twice a month, I get a package from her. With cute baby clothes and toys. And she always puts something inside for me. For our Baby Shower, it wasn't any different. C bought me 2 dresses and some jewelry. :)
I LOVE the color ofthis dress! It's also so comfy! This dress will be nice to wear for work and church too! And it's only $25 at Target. :)
Don't you just love the flower pattern of this dress? I also really like the colors! It's another super comfy dress. This one is $30.
Thank you C! You're amazing! This was so unexpected. But such a nice thing for you to do. I love everything you bought for Charlotte and me. I'm so glad Charlotte has an amazing Auntie like you. I just wish we could spend more time together. H
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
This is one of my favorite shows. I know. I probably sound like I'm 13 year old or something. But I just like it. Something about it makes me smile. And I have my bestie to thank for it. She talked and talked about it. Until I finally caved in and watched all of Season 1. :)
Tonight, it came back! I was so happy. OK, so next week might get complicated. You know with Glee returning on Tuesdays too! But this week's episode was so good! You know, after Cate and Ryan got married. I was bummed about that. I really like Baze. But the new Eric character, I'm liking him. I think he could spice up the show. In a good way.
This is what my pregnant self does. Gets really into TV shows. Like if these people are my "real life friends." You know, since my "real life friends" all live so far away. But it's OK. I need a little down time. And time to just enjoy life for a while. I hear, newborns are quite a handful. So until Charlotte gets here, I'm going to enjoy my favorite shows, a bowl of fruit, and just relaxing. H
Before my bestie went home, we sat and talked. And had some dinner. There may or may not have been a little TV watching too! :)
But what we learned is this, today is "National Kreme Filled Donut Day!" Yes, I'm serious! All you have to do is go to your local Krispy Kreme and say, "Happy National Kreme Filled Donut Day." They should reward your efforts with a "Kreme filled donut."
Hmm, I know of at least 2 Krispy Kremes between here and work. I just might have to make a stop. A yummy donut sounds like a good snack this morning. :) H
Monday, September 13, 2010
It just makes me wonder. How does your body get ready for birth? I'm already feeling Charlotte drop. It's already making walking difficult. And I still have at least 3 weeks to go. I hear, I can be pregnant for another 5 weeks! What? 42 weeks pregnant...
But I'm also scared out of my mind! Because I'm sitting here wondering how my baby girl is going to come out of me. I've never seen a "live" birth. Um, how does your body do this? How do you stretch enough for a baby to come out?
I remember when I started my period, my mom wouldn't let me use a tampon. She said it would hurt. Because I was young. And I wasn't "big enough down there" for a tampon. What? Ya, that's what she said. How "big" do you have to be to use a tampon? I just thought she was nuts! I'm pretty sure I was right about that too.
Then when I was a young teen, she told me that sex was horrible. That it would hurt like hell. That only guys enjoyed it. Um. This is the same crazy lady that had a trunk of "goodies" when she started dating my step-dad.
Again, my mom was wrong. Sex didn't necessarily hurt the first time. But she did tell me that nothing in the world is worse than childbirth. Uh oh. I think she might actually be right about this. But again, I'm not sure. 2 of 3...she was wrong. I think she was just trying to scare me. Childbirth is different from everything else she told me about though. Because all of those things, went "in." My daughter will be coming out...
I think I need to stop thinking about all of these things. Because it's just freaking me out! Millions of women give birth every year. And they survive. I'm going to too. Our bodies are built for this. I just need to stop thinking about it. Baby Charlotte and I are going to be OK. We're going to be healthy, and her birth is going to go smoothly. H
My bestie is amazing! Not only did she shower Charlotte with a ton of presents this weekend, she managed to throw us 2 Baby Showers. Yes, 2! We got some many amazing presents. All handmade, from my bestie. Charlotte's Nana (Godmother.)
But my bestie is so completely amazing! She also gave me some presents. Like this beautiful crochet shawl, that she made me. It's a beautiful mix of blues. My favorite color. And it's so incredibly soft! I already snuggled up in it last night. :)
My bestie also gave me this gift set. Lush's "The Art of Bathing." There are 11 different "Bath Bombs" and "Bubble Bars." They all smell amazing! And after a weekend jam packed with fun and adventure, I was so looking forward to an amazing bath last night. That's exactly what I got!
Thank you Bestie! You are amazing. If I haven't told you enough, we love you! And you are incredible. Thank you for traveling across the country, to see me all fat and pregnant. For being so excited at Charlotte's appointment on Friday. And for being an amazing friend. I had so much fun this weekend. And I'm already counting the days for you to return in October!
My best friend is leaving later today. And that makes me so sad. But we had such a great time. I need to find my camera so I can blog about our Baby Showers. We got so much stuff! And all the stuff that my bestie and her parents sent, is so amazing! Everything is so beautiful! And I can't wait for Charlotte to start using it all. :) H
Friday, September 10, 2010
I really like this dress! I like that it's covered up on top. As my chest is about double it's normal size. So I like that this dress covers up the area well. :)
This one is really cute too! More summery and flowy. And a little more dressy. It's also my favorite color! :)
And I really enjoy this dress. Maybe because it's longer. And I'd be a little more covered up. It looks easy to wear. Which is nice. Since I'm starting to get a bit irritated with clothes touching my belly. :)
I'm thinking that I will probably wear the 2nd dress. But I'd love to hear your thoughts. They all seem like very comfy dresses. And I'm so Thankful to Blue Eyes. He really didn't have to do this for me. He is a great man! And I can't wait for tomorrow! :) H