Sunday, February 28, 2010

Our First Year

Today is our 1st anniversary. I'm at home. T is across the country working. I'm pregnant. And sitting alone in my house. Wondering what is going to happen next. I don't know. But this is not what I envisioned for our 1st anniversary. Or our 1st year of marriage.

When we got married, I figured we would spend our 1st anniversary in Las Vegas. Where we got married. Because T would have to work. Maybe we'd go out to dinner. I hoped we'd go buy a mini wedding cake. That we'd be happy. We'd be man and wife.

I never would have expected this. We never even went on our Honeymoon. I begged my bestie to go with my boss. I know he loves her. At least the trip wouldn't go to waste. And they could enjoy a tropical paradise! No one went. T and I were married just over 3 months when we lost our baby. A baby we didn't know about. When our lives would change forever.

We tried. Maybe I tried more than T at times. But we both tried. It just didn't work. We met in July 2008. We began dating and almost instantly moved in together in August 2008. By November, our house was being built. We moved in January 2009. Got engaged at the end of the month. And were married a month later. We had 3 wonderful months. Just 3.

We went to paradise for 3 days. We loved it! Just the sand, sun, and each other. Just 3 days. And then I came home. And T left for work. That's when it happened. In an instant, our marriage and lives changed forever.

I hadn't been feeling right. I thought I had gotten too much sun. Or not enough sleep. T called that night. To see how I was doing. To make sure I knew what flight I was on that weekend. He was anxious for me to get there. And after we hung up, I just got this idea. What if I was pregnant? I was on the pill, but you never know.

I searched through our bathroom. I knew I had 2 pregnancy tests. We had had a scare before the holidays. And I had 2 left over. I couldn't find them. I went looking through boxes. Never mind that we had lived there for almost 5 months. Because we were only 50% unpacked. We were traveling 70% of the time for T's job. And we were newlyweds...

In the last box that I looked in, I found them. 2 sticks. W thought I was getting him a snack. :) I went to the bathroom and took the tests. They sat on the counter. And I stared at them. Both were positive. I didn't know what to say. I was so excited! We hadn't planned this,but I knew T would be excited!

The next morning, I called my doctor. And she told me to come right over. I was right. I was pregnant! And I couldn't wait to tell T. I just had to wait 1 more day. I didn't want to tell him on the phone. I wanted to tell him in person.

But my entire life would change in an instant. The next morning I got up. T and I talked on the phon and I had breakfast. We talked about what we were going to do that weekend. T had to get back to work and I needed to pack. All of a sudden I began to bleed horribly. And had horrific cramps. I didn't know what was happening. And I was alone. Everyone was gone working. T and all of our friends. I called 911. And the next thing I knew, the doctor was telling me I had just had a miscarriage...

I didn't know what to do. Or what to say. I was in shock. I had to stay in the hospital overnight. And when T called me later that night, I just told him I wasn't feeling well. I wouldn't be meeting him that weekend. I told him that it was better for me to stay home and sleep this off. He doesn't have a job were he can just walk away. There's no one to just fill in for him. I told him I'd be OK.

The next day, I went home. I laid in bed until T came home. I cried. I felt empty inside. I was so upset and sad. I hadn't even known about our baby for 24 hours. Now I couldn't put it into words. T came home late Sunday night. Happy to be home. Only to find me crying in bed. Not willing to talk.

How could I tell him I had been pregnant? And I had lost our baby. What kind of woman am I? If I couldn't even keep our baby safe. I quickly became depressed. I was so upset. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't know what to say. T just thought I needed some time. And he went to live in his old house.

Since then, we grew apart. Then tried to make it work again. We finally sat down and talked about everything. I blamed myself. He blamed himself. But we tried. It all fell apart days ago. The air was completely taken out of me. And I can't see this working.

That was our 1st year. We both made mistakes. We both grew and learned. But it didn't work. Instead, I'm at home. He's at work. And I'm looking for a divorce lawyer. At least I'm keeping tradition, isn't paper the 1st year gift? H

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Happy Anniversary T

Today is our 1st Anniversary. It started out with a fight between us. Not the way I was looking at starting my day. It was a horrible fight. I was just trying to leave for work when I passed him in the hallway. And his yelling began. It ended with some of the guys he works with shoving him into a room. And me crying as I made my way to the elevator. I felt completely empty inside. And this day is ending with me, waiting for my flight home...

It's almost been a year since my husband and I got married. And we're both back to the original crime scene. :(

We've been separated since June. And well, life has taken an awful turn. But I have to face it. I have to face life.

We lost a baby in June. A baby that we hadn't planned. A baby I only knew about for a few short days. That's when our downward spiral began...

We lived in separate house for almost 3 months. Then I moved and started working again. I needed something to do. My life was empty. And I was miserable.

T and I tried. We'd sneak of to a date here and there. While we were working in the Fall, we'd share a room on some trips. We'd watch movies and laugh like we used to. But it was always for small bits of time.

And this weekend...we're both working here...

I knew marriage wouldn't be easy. But this is ridiculous! He makes me so mad!!!

I really can't believe it's almost been a year. It's seems both longer and shorter. Just give me some patients to deal.

Today is a sad reminder of what my life should have been. Tomorrow is our actual anniversary. But I got married on a Saturday. So today really feels like the day that should mark our wedding date.

Very similar to today in a lot of ways. But today, I found myself sitting in a hotel room. Watching the rain fall. Unsure of my next move.

I felt very alone and sad. Not like a year ago. When my bestie was here with me. Helping me get ready to walk down the aisle. Me joking with her that we could turn this into a double wedding. She just laughed me off!

I shouldn't let it get to me. But it's just a sad place I'm in today. I'm only HERE because I have to work. So I decided to leave early. To leave with the 1st team. Tomorrow, T will head home with the 2nd team.

I really wish I was at home. Curled up in bed.

Happy Anniversary to me and my Mr. We're still not talking. We did manage to get into a fight this morning. And he still doesn't believe that our baby is his.

He's the one that cheated. I didn't. I wanted to make this marriage work. I didn't want to admit that it was over.

That stress added to my "situation" right's not good. But I had to work today. And I had to see him.

Now I sit and wait for a plane ride home. I just don't want to be around anyone else. I want to be alone in my home. H

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


I went to see T today. I wanted him to know our good news. I've known since the beginning of the month. When I took my at home pregnancy tests. I called to make a doctors appointment the following Monday. And well, I didn't get to see the doctor. But I did get to see a PA. And I got confirmation that I am pregnant. At this point, I'm 8 1/2 weeks! My first appointment with my doctor is March 5th. And well, I just wanted my husband to know what was going on. I think I owe him that much.

Well, I guess I was the one that was in for a shock. You see, we lived in 2 separate homes from June until the end of summer when I moved. We were separated. We had been through a lot of pain in a short amount of time. And we were just trying to work through it. He told everyone that he didn't want to live in our house if we weren't together. Because it was "Our House." He hadn't been living there. It was were I had lived. So I went to the townhouse he lived in when I first met him. T wasn't there. But I ran into a good friend of his. Someone that lives near him. He just casually told me that T was back at our home. That he was doing some work on the house.

So I drove to our house. I got there and T was painting. Painting 2 rooms. He was surprised that I was there. I rang the door bell. Because I just didn't feel right barging in. Even if I had been the last person to live there. He came to the door speckled in paint. And he had a surprised look on his face. You could tell, I was the last person he expected to see.

We made small talk as I came in. W, our dog, came running towards me. I miss him so much! And T told me that he had been painting a few rooms. One being his office. And he wanted to show it to me. You see, when we first had our house built, I didn't believe that dark brown would be a good color for his office. I thought it was too dark. And the room has a lot of weird angles and built ins. But T had just painted it.

And as we were making our way to the office, W was really close to me. Like he could sense something. I happened to see the other room he had painted, and felt so sick! I ran to the bathroom and the morning sickness took over. At the same time, I couldn't help but wonder why there was now a pastel bedroom in our house.

As I hugged the toilet, W was guarding me. Like he just knew what was going to happen next. T stood in the doorway, pissed off! His arms were crossed and the look on his face explained it all...

When I could, I got up. I rinsed my mouth. And tried to gain my footing. I felt horrible. Like I could pass out any second! And T was seeing red. He almost immediately began yelling. Demanding to know what was going on. I tried to calm him down. I had good news to share with him. And I didn't want it to come out like this. But he wasn't having it. It probably didn't help that W was right at my side.

I didn't know what else to do. I just took a deep breath and told T that we are expecting a baby. He blew up! Started cussing and walking back in forth. He had his hands on his head. Like it might explode. Like he couldn't understand what I was saying. Then he got up and walked away. I didn't know what to do. Or what to say. I know we hadn't planned this. But we always wanted to have kids.

After an hour, I got up from the couch. I figured T had calmed down enough. He was sitting in the pastel room. Staring out the window. Lost in his deep thoughts. So I turned around. I figured I'd head home. Give him some time and space to think and process this. Heck, I've had almost 3 weeks to process our news.

Instead, he told me to stop. He needed to tell me something. He is expecting another baby. A girl. And she's due in May. Hello! I just felt like someone pulled the floor out from under me. I slide down the wall. And just sat. That room we were in, it's going to be the baby's nursery. I was sitting in his baby's nursery. How did this happen?

Here I thought, we were trying to make our marriage work. We were trying to go on dates every couple of days. Just depending on our schedules. We were talking about maybe moving in together by the end of spring. Maybe I'd start traveling with him again. And now this. Not only is he expecting a little girl with his ex-girlfriend, but he's been seeing another woman. Yes, T was somehow juggling the 3 of us. I felt like an idiot!

I didn't know what to say. The tears just came. They overflowed my eyes. And just came. I cried and cried. I listened to everything he had to say. I knew I had made mistakes, but this...I didn't know what to say. But I let him talk. It felt like this was the last time we'd ever talk like this again. So I let him talk. And when he was done. I just sat there. Staring at my wedding ring. Wondering what had happened. When did it go so wrong? We haven't even celebrated our 1st Anniversary.

My thoughts were spinning in my head. I didn't know what to do. Or what to say. But I knew immediately, that I have a baby growing inside me. A baby that I need to protect. A baby that's going to need lots of love. And deserves a good life. This, this is not acceptable to me. I took off my ring. I put it on the windowsill. I turned to leave and he told me, "I don't think you baby is mine. How do I know what you've been doing. I'm going to need some serious proof." I didn't know what to say. Instead I turned around and left.

Walking out the door, my heart was so heavy. I didn't know what to say or what to think. This is the man I love. The man that told me that he loved me. We got married. And promised each other that we'd make a better life for each other. Because we had both had tough childhoods. And now this...

Some of T's friends were coming over as I left. I'm sure they saw my tear soaked shirt and red eyes. But I couldn't stop and talk. I just needed to come home. To a place that I feel safe. I know that my marriage is over. But I want a good life for my baby. It's so hard to love someone who doesn't deserve it. But at least he gave me a baby to love. Even if he doesn't think our baby is his. H

Sunday, February 21, 2010

What to Expect When You're Expecting

Yes, when I found out I was pregnant, I bought this book. Like the following day. It took a lot to get to the bookstore with work and all. Oh, and I was trying to be quiet about it all. But I bought it. It was the best purchase I've made to this point in my life. Yes, it is!

This is a must-have for any expecting parents. I'm already halfway through the book. Yes, I'm reading it at work. I have files and magazines on top of it. But I'm getting it done. With no one the wiser.

And now, lots of my questions are getting answered. Just by reading a little. It's a great thing. And I'm sure that my doctor is going to be happy about this purchase! It really is a great buy. Something that will benefit me for the next few months. But I'm also not going to lie. The last section of the book, it has me a little scared! H

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Oh the Rumors

You see, my husband has a rather public job. Lots of people know him. Or at least know of him. When we got married last year, let's just say, we ended up paying thousands and thousands of dollars to keep it under the radar. We had to pay off 3 magazines not to run stories. And we almost sued our photographer for trying to sell pictures. The crazy thing is, we're not famous!

But I've been hearing rumors lately. Rumors of another baby. One that is a lot more ready to meet the world then my baby. I'm not sure what to think. Would T do this to me? I know we've been separated since June. Working out issues from my miscarriage. I know we legally separated by the end of the summer. But really? I mean, we're still married.

It just leaves me wondering. I'm not sure if I should believe the rumors or not. What makes it worse, he doesn't seem to be denying them from what I can see. I mean, it's online. If he paid to keep our wedding pictures out of the press, don't you think he would be threatening legal action? I'm just wondering here...

I'm here working. And I can't even concentrate on that. My boss, well he had a tough day today. But all I can think about is T and this other baby. It makes me sad. Mostly because T still doesn't know about our baby. He just doesn't give me the chance to tell him. H

Friday, February 12, 2010

7 Weeks

• Baby you now have elbows. And I hear that you really enjoying bending and flexing in there.
• Your little fingers are starting to develop. Soon you’ll be play with and sucking on all your little fingers. :)
• Your feet are starting to develop too! And the beginnings of your toes are appearing too! Your little feet are less than a half an inch long!
• Your ears, eyes, and nose are starting to appear too! From what I’m reading, you sorta look like an alien. But I still love you! In a few weeks, you’ll start to look more like your Daddy and Mommy!
• Baby your intestines are starting to form in the umbilical cord. I didn’t know that they started outside your body!
• This week your teeth begin to develop under your gums too! I’m just glad I won’t be feeling that!

This week, I've been feeling really sick. I can't eat anything. Everything makes me feel so sick! Even the thought of food! But I've been talking to some friends about how to handle this. So I'm trying to stay hydrated. And I've been napping a lot! I hope this isn't the way my entire pregnancy is going to be. I really miss eating! And feeling human. H

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Ups and Downs

The last few days have been really exciting! My job, well it's very exciting. I can't really give you many details about it. But it's something a lot of people wish they could do. I'm very lucky!

My boss (aka Mr. Blue Eyes), he's in love with my bestie. I secretly think, she's in love with him too! What's a mere 1735 miles across the country? These 2 talk on the phone nearly every night. I just wish that my bestie would just love him. They need each other. A lot more than they know it.

Well, Saturady I was working. And all my boss could do, was think about my bestie. We called her real quick. And that lit a spark under him. I could just imagine what would happen if they were to date. But he ended up having a nice day at work. And I'm super glad about that!

Then, our boss took us to the Super Bowl! There was a group of us. I secretly wish that my bestie had come too. She would have enjoyed it. But she was working. Lots of our friends came though. It was an experience like none other! I really did have a nice time.

But in the middle of all of this, I was fighting back all the hurt and pain. T and I are still not talking. I'm not sure what his resentment is all about. But I try. I've asked him to come to counseling with me. I'm ready to either move forward together, or simply put all of this behind us. He just doesn't want to deal with it.

Then we go and do stupid things. Why do I let this happen? I went to talk to him about the baby. And the divorce papers. But that's not what ended up happening. Sometimes, I could just kick myself for loving him so much! H

Monday, February 8, 2010

Ice Cream Makes It All Better

The last few days have been tough. I've cried. I've been so excited! And also so sad. This isn't how this was supposed to be. But it's the way my life is going. And I've felt so sick! The constant rain really reflected how I was feeling too!

In my hour of need, a good friend came to check on me. S has just been here for me. And I know he'll be here for my little Honeybee. I just need to be honest. Well, I NEED to tell T first. Then I can tell other people. Like my bestie, my boss, and S.

I know I've been really out of it lately. Sick and exhausted. Now I know why. It's been 3 days since I got a positive pregnancy test. And it's good news. But I'm scared. What is T going to do? Or think. I mean, we never really worked through all of our problems. Now we're expecting a baby.

But my friend came to see me. We ended up going out for some Rocky Road ice cream. :) I really needed that! And I honestly felt better. Funny how ice cream can do that to a gal! But it felt good just to get out and laugh for a little while. Things have been so stressful around here. And everywhere I go, I see T. Even if we're not really talking. Because we work for the same company.

It's tough. But the ice cream and the company really did cheer me up! Is that weird? I know. It doesn't make up for me and T not talking. But I really needed a few hours of happiness. And lots of laughter! Like I said, ice cream just seems to cure so much! So does a few hours of good, hard laughing. :) H

Saturday, February 6, 2010

I'm Pregnant...

Well, I'm a little overwhelmed. But I'm very excited! Pregnant? Wow! I never seen that coming! But well, we didn't plan my last pregnancy either. I guess, the pill doesn't work for me. I wanted to talk to T before things got too crazy with his job. But the first event is today.

I called my doctor. And I'm not sure when I'm going to get an appointment with her. Because I left a message. Being that we were in the middle of a snow storm. And I found out I was pregnant after 5pm on a Friday.

But I'm hoping for good news. I think our Baby Honeybee can be a blessing for us. Our baby just might be the one blessing that T and I need to get back on track. And I've decided to start this blog to have a place to share all about our baby. To get my feelings and thoughts out. Every week I'm going to post a letter to our Baby Honeybee and a little update our our baby's growth. H

Friday, February 5, 2010

Week 6: Life is Changing

Dear Honeybee,

Well, I found out that you're inside me growing today. For the last few days, I thought maybe you could be in there. But I wasn't sure. I know but, your Mommy is a blond, and believe me, you're going to have to get used to my ditziness! I'm pretty sure I know when your Daddy and I made you. I guess your Daddy did give me a Christmas present after all. He gave me you!

I'm sorry that your Daddy and I are separated. We're trying to make this work. I really want our marriage to work. Because I love your Daddy. And I love you very much! I hope that your Daddy and I can make this work. Because I want you to have a better life than I had. I want you to have a Mommy and Daddy, in the same house, that love each other. And you!

Your Daddy and I lost a baby last summer. Your big brother or sister was supposed to be born on January 24, 2010. It was really hard on me. And your Daddy. Since then, we've been working at getting back together. We want our marriage to work. And it's a lot of hard work. But I know it's going to be worth it!

For now, we're going to lay here and watch the snow come down. There's not a whole lot for me to do tonight. I'm going to be making a doctor's appointment for us. And I need to call your Daddy. We need to talk before he leaves for work. Because soon, he'll be on the road again.

Baby Honeybee, don't worry about any of this. I just want you to know that I love you. And no matter what happens, you'll have me. I'll always be here for you. You can count on that! Your only job is to grow strong and healthy. Because your Mommy can't wait to hold and love you!

Your Mommy

6 Weeks

• Baby your arms and legs are still developing. And you’re stretching out more too!
• Your brain is growing too! This is just the beginning! You are going to develop over a 100 billion neurons before you’re born!
• Your eye lenses developed this week. And I hear that you’re starting to look more like a newborn baby.
• Your nostrils are also formed. And your nose where it’s supposed to be too!
• Your intestines are growing too! Just a few weeks ago, they were outside your body in the umbilical cord.
• Your pancreas is also developed. You can now handle insulin and digestive enzymes. Your body is starting to develop all the important things that are going to help you grow strong!

Well, I have been feeling pretty sick lately. Morning sickness, day and night. I've been really tired. And I thought I was just getting the flu. Now I know, I'm going to be a Mommy! So I'm going to be taking really good care of myself. Making sure I sleep more, get to the doctor, and eat better. I've been taking folic acid and prenatal vitamins since last year. So I think we'll be OK. H

Unexpected Blessings

I just never thought I would find myself in this position. Married, but single. Oh my! After feeling sick over the last few weeks, I finally listened to my gut and my bestie. And I took a pregnancy test. Not just 1, but 10. Literally!

This is not the most ideal time in my life. The pieces are mostly falling apart. But I'm going to do what's best for my baby and I. I just hate that T and I are still separated. But I can't do much more than I already am. I just pray it all works out for the best.

By my math, which is not very good, I'm about 6 weeks. I need to call a doctor. And confirm all of this. But I see this baby very much as a blessing. He or she will be loved more than I can explain to you. I just hope, I turn out to be a good mom. A mom that my child will be happy and proud of.

I'm going back to watching the snow fall. Here, it's been snowing for what seems like ages. I can't wait for Spring to come. There are so many changes going on right now. All of which seem very scary. But at least, I know I have one angel on my side. H