Sunday, February 28, 2010

Our First Year

Today is our 1st anniversary. I'm at home. T is across the country working. I'm pregnant. And sitting alone in my house. Wondering what is going to happen next. I don't know. But this is not what I envisioned for our 1st anniversary. Or our 1st year of marriage.

When we got married, I figured we would spend our 1st anniversary in Las Vegas. Where we got married. Because T would have to work. Maybe we'd go out to dinner. I hoped we'd go buy a mini wedding cake. That we'd be happy. We'd be man and wife.

I never would have expected this. We never even went on our Honeymoon. I begged my bestie to go with my boss. I know he loves her. At least the trip wouldn't go to waste. And they could enjoy a tropical paradise! No one went. T and I were married just over 3 months when we lost our baby. A baby we didn't know about. When our lives would change forever.

We tried. Maybe I tried more than T at times. But we both tried. It just didn't work. We met in July 2008. We began dating and almost instantly moved in together in August 2008. By November, our house was being built. We moved in January 2009. Got engaged at the end of the month. And were married a month later. We had 3 wonderful months. Just 3.

We went to paradise for 3 days. We loved it! Just the sand, sun, and each other. Just 3 days. And then I came home. And T left for work. That's when it happened. In an instant, our marriage and lives changed forever.

I hadn't been feeling right. I thought I had gotten too much sun. Or not enough sleep. T called that night. To see how I was doing. To make sure I knew what flight I was on that weekend. He was anxious for me to get there. And after we hung up, I just got this idea. What if I was pregnant? I was on the pill, but you never know.

I searched through our bathroom. I knew I had 2 pregnancy tests. We had had a scare before the holidays. And I had 2 left over. I couldn't find them. I went looking through boxes. Never mind that we had lived there for almost 5 months. Because we were only 50% unpacked. We were traveling 70% of the time for T's job. And we were newlyweds...

In the last box that I looked in, I found them. 2 sticks. W thought I was getting him a snack. :) I went to the bathroom and took the tests. They sat on the counter. And I stared at them. Both were positive. I didn't know what to say. I was so excited! We hadn't planned this,but I knew T would be excited!

The next morning, I called my doctor. And she told me to come right over. I was right. I was pregnant! And I couldn't wait to tell T. I just had to wait 1 more day. I didn't want to tell him on the phone. I wanted to tell him in person.

But my entire life would change in an instant. The next morning I got up. T and I talked on the phon and I had breakfast. We talked about what we were going to do that weekend. T had to get back to work and I needed to pack. All of a sudden I began to bleed horribly. And had horrific cramps. I didn't know what was happening. And I was alone. Everyone was gone working. T and all of our friends. I called 911. And the next thing I knew, the doctor was telling me I had just had a miscarriage...

I didn't know what to do. Or what to say. I was in shock. I had to stay in the hospital overnight. And when T called me later that night, I just told him I wasn't feeling well. I wouldn't be meeting him that weekend. I told him that it was better for me to stay home and sleep this off. He doesn't have a job were he can just walk away. There's no one to just fill in for him. I told him I'd be OK.

The next day, I went home. I laid in bed until T came home. I cried. I felt empty inside. I was so upset and sad. I hadn't even known about our baby for 24 hours. Now I couldn't put it into words. T came home late Sunday night. Happy to be home. Only to find me crying in bed. Not willing to talk.

How could I tell him I had been pregnant? And I had lost our baby. What kind of woman am I? If I couldn't even keep our baby safe. I quickly became depressed. I was so upset. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't know what to say. T just thought I needed some time. And he went to live in his old house.

Since then, we grew apart. Then tried to make it work again. We finally sat down and talked about everything. I blamed myself. He blamed himself. But we tried. It all fell apart days ago. The air was completely taken out of me. And I can't see this working.

That was our 1st year. We both made mistakes. We both grew and learned. But it didn't work. Instead, I'm at home. He's at work. And I'm looking for a divorce lawyer. At least I'm keeping tradition, isn't paper the 1st year gift? H

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