Thursday, September 30, 2010
On the eve of my due date, I'm craving these pudding pops. And I have none! Not a single one in my house. Ugh! And I don't want to go to the store. Especially at night. I can barely fit in my car. My belly has been touching the steering for a while now. So I try to avoid any extra and unnecessary driving.
But all I can think about are these pudding pops. They're amazing! A wonderful mix of pudding and ice cream. Wonderful! And after today at work, I really could use something amazing! Tomorrow, as soon as I leave my doctor's appointment, I"m going for a box or 2 of these bad boys! I might put myself in a sugar coma tomorrow night. H
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
T doesn't want to be Charlotte's dad. He wants no DNA test. He wants nothing to do with our sweet Baby Girl. Nothing. It makes me so sad. Yes, T told the judge that he wants to sign over all "Parental Rights" to me. T doesn't want to be a father to our daughter.
But like I said, the judge is fed up with my husband. And he has left it all up to me. I can (A) leave T's name off of Charlotte's Birth Certificate. Which would mean that T would not be held responsible for anything. I could never ask for Child Support. Essentially, my daughter wouldn't have a dad. But as far as that goes, T has already made that decision. (B) I can put T's name on Charlotte's Birth Certificate. Then I can "accept" his petition to forfeit all rights to our daughter. So Charlotte would know who her dad is. But he wouldn't have any rights or responsibilities.Or (C) I can put T's name on Charlotte's Birth Certificate and "not accept" his petition. We'd have to have a DNA test. And T would have to pay child support. He'd be responsible for his daughter. And if he wanted, he could seek some visitation rights.
I don't know what to do. I want my daughter to know her father. I really do. I wish that he would wake up. I see him with Baby M. He's so loving to her. Why can't he be that way with Charlotte? But I don't want to force something that's not there. Because that wouldn't be good for Charlotte. I know. I've been there. I was forced to see my dad. Who was horrible. Until I was old enough to say I didn't want to live through that anymore.
I'm more than willing to support my daughter. That's why I've worked so hard now that I'm pregnant. I've been the one to buy everything that she needs. Including our home. I'm taking care of her. And I will continue too. I'll continue to work. I don't care what I have to do. I will take care of my daughter. So I'm not looking at this from the financial side of things.
The judge didn't want to hear my decision. Not until Charlotte is born. Pretty much like our divorce. Nothing will be finalized until after Charlotte is born. It makes me so sad. My husband and I should be happy right now. We should be excited about becoming parents. About this precious baby girl I have growing inside of me. We shouldn't be arguing. We shouldn't be getting divorced. It feels unreal.
Before we even got married, T and I would talk about growing up in "Broken Homes." And how much we didn't want our kids to grow up like that. We didn't want them to be in the middle of fights. T wanted to be a dad so bad! We talked about babies, before we ever talked about marriage. And almost right after we got married, T really wanted a baby. I know that's why my miscarriage was such a tough time for us. Our 1st baby wasn't planned. But loved so much, when we did find out. It ripped both of our hearts out when we lost our baby.
Now our lives are such a mess. We fight over everything. I don't want nothing from T. I just want to be divorced. To put this mess behind us. To focus on our daughter. If he doesn't want to be around, I don't want to force him. But I want my daughter to be able to know her older sister, Baby M. I want them to have a good relationship. To be able to be loving sisters. I want Charlotte to one day know, that I tried everything I could, to make her life better.
After my miscarriage, I was in shock. I blamed myself. Then T resented me. Things went downhill quickly. But we wanted to fix our problems. We started counseling. I thought we were on track. I wanted to work this out. Because T and I were only married just over 13 weeks. 13 weeks of bliss, before our world fell apart.
I never knew what else he was doing. That while I was trying to make our marriage work, he was sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. That he was dating another woman on top of that! That he was expecting another baby. I never knew that. If I did, maybe things would have been different.
But this is where our lives are. Trying to decide what to do with life. I don't care about the money that T has to pay me. How our joint assets are to be separated. Or any kind of material situation. I just want a divorce. I want to get on with my life. And I want a happy and healthy daughter.
I want Charlotte to have a good relationship with her dad. But that is up to T. There is nothing I can do to fix this. I know that there is nothing left to fight for in my marriage. It's over. But my daughter deserves better. She deserves a dad that loves her. That wants to spend time with her. But if he doesn't want it, I'm glad he decided now. Before she is born. Before she grows dependent of him. Before a relationship is built. Before she can be hurt.
Everything about T hurts. It all hurts now. It hurts that he left me. That he lied to me. That he cheated on me. It hurts that he calls me horrible names. And tells me that he wished that Charlotte would never have been created. T tells me the cruelest things that you could imagine. My husband was supposed to love me forever. We were supposed to have a family together. And grow old. Now, he can't stand to be anywhere near me. But it kills me that he doesn't want to be Charlotte's daddy.
I expected more of T. There are 2 innocent baby girls here. Baby M and Charlotte. I want them to have a loving daddy. To have a man that steps up to the plate. A man that is responsible and loving. These little girls deserve to be loved. They deserve a good daddy.
But I'm learning that I can't control these things. I clearly can't control T. It kills me that Charlotte will never get to sleep on her daddy's chest. Or that he won't be there to teach her all sorts of things. Like how to fish or play with W. That there will never be love that is shared between them. Charlotte will never get to see the side of T that I fell in love with. The caring and loving man. The man that takes care of you when you're sick. That gently kisses your head as you're falling asleep. My daughter will never know those things. She'll never get to reach out for her daddy or kiss his cheek.
T will never kiss her boo boos. He'll never put her to sleep. He won't be protective of his daughter. He won't comfort her when she's upset. Or just love her because she is his daughter. Charlotte will never smile when T walks into a room. Because she won't know him. But this is T's decision. Not mine. Not Charlotte's. Only T's. One day, he will regret this. When Charlotte is calling another man, Daddy. It will be then, that he will feel that tug at his heart. And it's then, that he will have to explain to Charlotte why he walked away. H
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
I haven't been able to really eat in at least a week. It's almost like I can't fit the food in my belly. Like Charlotte is getting so big, there is no room for anything else. Nothing sounds good. Nothing looks good. I just can't handle it.
I know that sounds weird. But I haven't been able to eat meals in what feels like forever. But I've been eating lots of grapes. Because they're easy. And I can eat small bunches, every couple of hours. Yes, I've been living off of grapes. I hope that I get to eat sometime soon. H
Monday, September 27, 2010
My friend S had a tough day yesterday. And I wanted to do something to cheer him up. Every Monday, S comes over for dinner. He drives over 3 hours to come visit me. One way! When I get home from work, he is sitting on my porch waiting for me. S always brings dinner, and usually something for Charlotte. Then he helps me with different projects around my house.
S is a great guy! He had a tough day yesterday. A really tough day. I wanted to do something special for him. Like cook him dinner. You know, instead of him buying something. So I'm planning on making this. Doesn't it look good? And it looks pretty easy. Something that I can't mess up. :)
Now I just need to go to work. And try and get off early. So that I can get to the grocery store. And hopefully have dinner ready for S. I told him not to worry about anything this week. Let's hope I can get it all done. H
Sunday, September 26, 2010
These are the 8 dolls so far. With their little animal friends. Each doll comes with an animal.
They are seriously cute! And actually pretty big. About 13 inches tall.
This is the doll that my friend got Charlotte. I just think she is so cute! And she comes with a little Zebra!
I just couldn't resist. Look at those cute pjs. And the little sheep! I bought this little one just last week. :)
These 2 are on my list. They're twins! :)
These have to be the cutest little dolls! Like I said, each doll comes with a little animal. These are like a "Modern Rag Doll." At least that is what they remind me of. They are a little pricey. About $45 for a doll. Or the 2 last ones can be bought together for $67. But I think they're a great buy. Because it's something your little girl can grow with. And the fabrics are so lush! H
Friday, September 24, 2010
•Baby Girl, the lanugo has mostly disappeared> That's the hair you had all over your body. But there is still a little bit on your shoulders, arms and legs. It's in the "protected" creases of your body. And it's supposed to go away on it's own. No need to worry!
•Your little lungs are maturing and surfactant production is increasing. You are now fully prepared to take on the outside world!
•Baby Girl, you don't have much room to move around. I can certainly tell! Things are getting tight in there. I never imagined 8 months ago, that you would be able to use your toe to grab my ribs, while elbowing my bladder. You have grown so much!
•Your body continues to lay on the fat stores, that will help to regulate your body temperature after birth. Not only do you have normal fat, but you are also getting used to a special "brown" fat in the nape of your neck, between your shoulders and around organs. Brown fat cells are important for thermogenesis (generating heat) during his first weeks.
•Baby Girl you weigh about 7.25 lbs and are about 19.9 in long.
Things feel so weird and different this week. Charlotte is definitely "dropping." And I'm feeling very different things this week. New movements. It's difficult to get into good positions to sleep in. And sleep is generally just hard to come by. I've noticed that I've been really tired lately. Everything just exhausts me. But walking around, always makes us feel better.
I can also tell how Charlotte is running out of room in there. I feel her little feet in my ribs all day and night. And I can feel her moving around further down too. It's so weird to get all these movements at once. But it's so comforting to feel Charlotte moving around inside. H
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
I read this blog post today. I wish it had been around 3 months ago. Maybe I would have better known how to dress my body. Ugh! I'm just not good at these things. And I could have used the help. Especially for work clothes. Being that I'm less than a month from having Charlotte, I probably won't be buying any more maternity clothes. But this was a good read.
Cardigan Empire is a good blog in general. You know, for all things fashion related. And if you're pregnant, there is an entire section of the blog, dedicated to Maternity fashions and body types. At this point, I'm a "Low and Lush" gal! Is it funny, that I sorta wish, I was going to be pregnant for a few more months? You know, so I would have an excuse to go shopping. :) H
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Glee is coming back tonight! It's all I can think about. I know. I should be working. But I'm so excited for tonight. Yes, this is what my life has come to. I'm so excited about watching Glee!
If you need to catch up on last season, or you miss tonight's show, you can watch them here. But how could you miss tonight's show? I just don't know. I need to figure out my TV watching for tonight. You know with Life Unexpected. I'm pretty sure that my TiVo is going to be working tonight. So much good TV on Tuesday nights! H
Monday, September 20, 2010
Actually, I had seen these books a few times at Target. But I just hadn't ever really stopped to look at them. I can tell, this is a series that I'm sure Charlotte will love!
One day when S was here, he saw it in the nursery. He joked about it. Because the girl has some crazy hair going on. But soon he was reading the story to Charlotte. And today, he came over with this book. :)
And this doll. She's a little crazy. Look at her hair! But I'm sure that she's going to be well loved! S is just spoiling my little girl so much! And she's not even here. Because what else did he do tonight? He ordered the entire set of Pinkalicious books. Let's hope Charlotte really likes them. :) H
Sunday, September 19, 2010
I really wanted a Diapee. I just think they're a good product. Something that can get a lot of use. :)
And this entire set. It just makes me so happy! A Wipee case, some burp clothes, and a changing pad. All so chic!
This is definitely a must have for a breastfeeding Mommy!
Well, part of our gifts from my bestie, they included all 3 of these items. But she made them. All out of hot pink and the black and white damask fabric. So incredibly cute! And I think they'll really go well with my diaper bag. Thank you so much bestie! The ones that my bestie made, are even cuter than these ones! Is that possible? Yes, it is! H
Saturday, September 18, 2010
I can't wait to dress up W for Halloween! You know, W is "Superdog." :)
But it got me thinking. Charlotte is going to be a few weeks old at Halloween. And we live in a "Family" neighborhood. I was already planning on handing out candy. But I had forgotten about Halloween costumes. So I went looking online last night.
This is what I found for Charlotte...
I'm really in love with this little pink bunny. I know it's a little big. But this is just precious!
Sunshine Bear? Are you serious? Another really cute baby costume. And who doesn't like the Care Bears?
This sunflower is too cute! And it looks very "Newborn Friendly" too!
A Glow Worm? I'm in love! This is just a cute costume!
Now some costumes for me...
A Ladybug. I think this is nice. A good post-pregnancy costume. One that I can modify a bit to be more "Mommy Friendly."
This Bumblebee is also a nice choice. Covers up everything. And is still cute.
This Fairy/Butterfly is also a nice one. I'd would probably wear leggings with the skirt. And a long sleeve top instead of this top. You know, I'm going to be a mommy. :)
I had fun looking at all the costumes. Trying to decide on what to buy. I want Halloween to be special for Charlotte and me. It's our 1st holiday together. And I think it's important to start good family traditions early. I just want my little girl to have everything that I didn't.
So what costumes did I order? I ordered Charlotte the pink bunny. It was a little expensive. But it's going to be so worth it! I can't wait to see her all dressed up. And I got the ladybug. I figured that with some leggings and flat shoes, I'd be OK. Now all I have to do is wait on my order. And my little girl. :) H
Thursday, September 16, 2010
After T and I separated, C and I still remained close. I know it was hard for her. She felt like she was having to choose between the 2 of us. I tried to make it easy for her. But T made it really difficult for her.
No matter what, C and I are close. And she's been amazing. Especially when I found out I was pregnant with Charlotte. She was my shoulder when I found out everything about T. And when I decided to get divorced. It's been tough. And C has been right here at my side.
C has also showered Charlotte and I with gifts during my pregnancy. At least twice a month, I get a package from her. With cute baby clothes and toys. And she always puts something inside for me. For our Baby Shower, it wasn't any different. C bought me 2 dresses and some jewelry. :)
I LOVE the color ofthis dress! It's also so comfy! This dress will be nice to wear for work and church too! And it's only $25 at Target. :)
Don't you just love the flower pattern of this dress? I also really like the colors! It's another super comfy dress. This one is $30.
Thank you C! You're amazing! This was so unexpected. But such a nice thing for you to do. I love everything you bought for Charlotte and me. I'm so glad Charlotte has an amazing Auntie like you. I just wish we could spend more time together. H
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
This is one of my favorite shows. I know. I probably sound like I'm 13 year old or something. But I just like it. Something about it makes me smile. And I have my bestie to thank for it. She talked and talked about it. Until I finally caved in and watched all of Season 1. :)
Tonight, it came back! I was so happy. OK, so next week might get complicated. You know with Glee returning on Tuesdays too! But this week's episode was so good! You know, after Cate and Ryan got married. I was bummed about that. I really like Baze. But the new Eric character, I'm liking him. I think he could spice up the show. In a good way.
This is what my pregnant self does. Gets really into TV shows. Like if these people are my "real life friends." You know, since my "real life friends" all live so far away. But it's OK. I need a little down time. And time to just enjoy life for a while. I hear, newborns are quite a handful. So until Charlotte gets here, I'm going to enjoy my favorite shows, a bowl of fruit, and just relaxing. H
Before my bestie went home, we sat and talked. And had some dinner. There may or may not have been a little TV watching too! :)
But what we learned is this, today is "National Kreme Filled Donut Day!" Yes, I'm serious! All you have to do is go to your local Krispy Kreme and say, "Happy National Kreme Filled Donut Day." They should reward your efforts with a "Kreme filled donut."
Hmm, I know of at least 2 Krispy Kremes between here and work. I just might have to make a stop. A yummy donut sounds like a good snack this morning. :) H
Monday, September 13, 2010
It just makes me wonder. How does your body get ready for birth? I'm already feeling Charlotte drop. It's already making walking difficult. And I still have at least 3 weeks to go. I hear, I can be pregnant for another 5 weeks! What? 42 weeks pregnant...
But I'm also scared out of my mind! Because I'm sitting here wondering how my baby girl is going to come out of me. I've never seen a "live" birth. Um, how does your body do this? How do you stretch enough for a baby to come out?
I remember when I started my period, my mom wouldn't let me use a tampon. She said it would hurt. Because I was young. And I wasn't "big enough down there" for a tampon. What? Ya, that's what she said. How "big" do you have to be to use a tampon? I just thought she was nuts! I'm pretty sure I was right about that too.
Then when I was a young teen, she told me that sex was horrible. That it would hurt like hell. That only guys enjoyed it. Um. This is the same crazy lady that had a trunk of "goodies" when she started dating my step-dad.
Again, my mom was wrong. Sex didn't necessarily hurt the first time. But she did tell me that nothing in the world is worse than childbirth. Uh oh. I think she might actually be right about this. But again, I'm not sure. 2 of 3...she was wrong. I think she was just trying to scare me. Childbirth is different from everything else she told me about though. Because all of those things, went "in." My daughter will be coming out...
I think I need to stop thinking about all of these things. Because it's just freaking me out! Millions of women give birth every year. And they survive. I'm going to too. Our bodies are built for this. I just need to stop thinking about it. Baby Charlotte and I are going to be OK. We're going to be healthy, and her birth is going to go smoothly. H
My bestie is amazing! Not only did she shower Charlotte with a ton of presents this weekend, she managed to throw us 2 Baby Showers. Yes, 2! We got some many amazing presents. All handmade, from my bestie. Charlotte's Nana (Godmother.)
But my bestie is so completely amazing! She also gave me some presents. Like this beautiful crochet shawl, that she made me. It's a beautiful mix of blues. My favorite color. And it's so incredibly soft! I already snuggled up in it last night. :)
My bestie also gave me this gift set. Lush's "The Art of Bathing." There are 11 different "Bath Bombs" and "Bubble Bars." They all smell amazing! And after a weekend jam packed with fun and adventure, I was so looking forward to an amazing bath last night. That's exactly what I got!
Thank you Bestie! You are amazing. If I haven't told you enough, we love you! And you are incredible. Thank you for traveling across the country, to see me all fat and pregnant. For being so excited at Charlotte's appointment on Friday. And for being an amazing friend. I had so much fun this weekend. And I'm already counting the days for you to return in October!
My best friend is leaving later today. And that makes me so sad. But we had such a great time. I need to find my camera so I can blog about our Baby Showers. We got so much stuff! And all the stuff that my bestie and her parents sent, is so amazing! Everything is so beautiful! And I can't wait for Charlotte to start using it all. :) H
Friday, September 10, 2010
I really like this dress! I like that it's covered up on top. As my chest is about double it's normal size. So I like that this dress covers up the area well. :)
This one is really cute too! More summery and flowy. And a little more dressy. It's also my favorite color! :)
And I really enjoy this dress. Maybe because it's longer. And I'd be a little more covered up. It looks easy to wear. Which is nice. Since I'm starting to get a bit irritated with clothes touching my belly. :)
I'm thinking that I will probably wear the 2nd dress. But I'd love to hear your thoughts. They all seem like very comfy dresses. And I'm so Thankful to Blue Eyes. He really didn't have to do this for me. He is a great man! And I can't wait for tomorrow! :) H
Thursday, September 9, 2010
But it was this video that just made me stop tonight. I'm so excited! In 2 short days, it's our Baby Shower!!! I can't wait. Mostly because I get to see my bestie. But also, because I get to see so many friends. So many people that love my baby girl! And I finally get to see all these amazing things that my bestie has been making. I know she's been busy. Because she's hinted around a little.
I can't wait to see the cute things my little girl gets. Just over 3 weeks until my due date. I'm so excited! I can barely control myself! I honestly can't wait to meet my little girl. To hold her. Love her. And give her so many kisses! H
I also really enjoy her personal videos too! Recently, Kandee announced that she is pregnant! I'm so excited for her! Every baby is a blessing. :)
This is a video of her ultrasound. When she found out that she is having a little girl!!!
And another announcement video...
I LOVE how excited she is! I also LOVE her more personal blog. So sweet! And from the heart. Sending lots of good thoughts and love Kandee's way. She's almost as excited to meet her Cupcake, as I am to meet my Charlotte. :) H
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Just look at this Sugar Sweet Baby, Baby Wrap. Isn't it too cute? Have you noticed how much I like this Damask pattern? It's just too cute, without being overly girly. :)
You can win a Baby Wrap too! You just have to go to Baby Makin Machine and enter. Oh, I just LOVE this Baby Wrap. If I don't win it, I'm definitely going to buy it! It's $70. But I think it's well worth the money. I think both Charlotte and I would enjoy it. H
Saturday, September 4, 2010
You know, you've seen them. The Plaster Pregnant Bellies. I wasn't so sure about getting one done. But after talking to some friends, I decided to do it. :)
And I'm really glad I did. I think it's going to be an amazing piece for Charlotte. S and I went on Wednesday. And he helped me as we got the plaster belly done. It was actually really relaxing and a whole lot of fun!
Then I left my belly at the studio. I'm having it painted. And I honestly can't wait to get it back! I don't know exactly what it's going to look like. They took some ideas from me. And some from Charlotte's nursery. So I think it's going to be fun to see it, when it's all done. And that should be sometime in the middle of October. After Charlotte is born. :) Thank you S for this amazing gift! H
For over a week now, I've been craving Taco Bell. It's all I could think of. And I have to admit it, I made 2 stops there this week. Craziness! I hardly eat there. Especially now. You see, I was a junk food junkie before I got pregnant. I lived off of fast food as a kid. My mom never cooked.
But for whatever reason, I don't like Taco Bell. I don't know why. But this week, I even dreamt about it. I ended up having lunch there twice. The second time was because I wanted a frozen drink. Then as I was sitting in the drive thru, all I could think about was a Mexican pizza and an enchirito.
But I got my craving out of the way. And it was actually really good. Probably not something I'm going to eat again. Well, not anytime soon. But it was good while it lasted. Is there anything that you craved out of the ordinary? H
Friday, September 3, 2010
•Baby girl, you are almost ready. So am I! All we're waiting for is your lungs to mature. That's really important! Because healthy lungs mean you will be able to breathe. :)
•You are definitely beginning to drop! Our doctor says that's a good thing. :) It's been easier to breathe. But it's making walking a whole lot tougher! I'm beyond waddling now!
•I also hear that fat is dimpling your little elbows and knees. Oh how cute! A chubby baby! And you're forming creases in your neck and wrists.
•Your skin is growing smooth and "baby" soft. I can't wait to touch you! :)
•Baby girl, your gums are very rigid. In a few months, you'll get some teeth.
•You have a fully developed pair of kidneys and your liver has begun processing some waste products. That's really good!
•Baby girl you're now 18.66 inches long! And about 5.78 lbs. Between now and your birth date, you will gain about an ounce a day!
This week, the biggest change that I'm feeling is Charlotte dropping. It's so weird! My breathing has gotten so much easier! Now lie. It doesn't feel like I'm out of breath every second of the day. But walking, well I look hilarious walking! It's more like a very slow waddle! But I'm feeling pretty good. Just waiting on my baby girl to fully "cook." H
Thursday, September 2, 2010
I just love Sam's videos. She is so cute and excited with her pregnancy. And she is amazing with makeup! And hair too! She is so bubbly. And whenever I'm down, I sit and watch 1 of her videos. Sam is so genuine and sweet. And I've really been enjoying watching other women's videos about pregnancy. I think it's so nice to sit and listen to women going through the same thing that I'm going through. It makes me feel less alone.
You know, in this entire journey, I feel alone. I mean, I have Charlotte. But I don't have a partner to share this with. And all of my close friends live so far away. And most are super busy with their own families. And newborn babies. So it's nice to watch these pregnancy vlogs. :) H
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
I can't believe I'm exactly 1 month away from meeting Charlotte! Wow! It's seems so far. But so close. I'm so excited! I honestly can't wait to hold her in my arms. I know she's been growing strong inside of me, but to be able to hold her. That is what I'm most excited about. :)
This is probably going to be the longest month of my life! But I know my baby girl needs to "cook" some more. So I'm going to be patient. And I hope I only have to wait a month. Did you hear that Charlotte? But seriously, whenever she is ready to come, I'm ready for her!
The other thing I've been thinking a lot about is my maternity leave. 6 weeks. That's what I get. I debated taking off a week before my due date. Then I read were you can be up to 2 weeks late before they induce labor. Ugh! I don't want that. So I decided to work until Charlotte comes. That way, well you know. I get to spend the entire 6 weeks with my little girl. :) Now all I have to do is sit and wait for my baby girl to get here. H