Monday, May 3, 2010

Do I

When I first heard this song, I thought about T. We were once so in love. He was "The One." The only man I wanted to be with. The man I thought I'd grow old with. T was the one that knew it before I did. He begged me to move in with. To start traveling with him. I let him take the lead of our relationship. And I couldn't believe that this man loved me. And I mean really loved me. Thunder thighs and all!

I've never really felt that before. I never was really important to anyone. I mean my Grandma loves me. And my little brother. No one on earth has a better bestie than me! No one! But I've never felt really loved like I did with T. It was way beyond the physical stuff too. That was incredible. But it was more than that. It was just a feeling I had when I was with him. I felt safe, comfortable, and loved.

For the 1st time in my life, I felt like someone really cared. If I went missing, someone would notice. T made me feel special. He did things for me, that no other man had done. I've had boyfriends in the past. But this was different. And I really loved him.

Things between us, they started quickly. From the time we met, until we got married, was 7 months! But then they fell apart quickly too! We were happily married for a little more than 3 months. Before I knew it, I was sitting on the floor of our bedroom, crying my eyes out. Wondering what had happened.

This song, it explains so much. The 1st time I heard it, I cried. And every time it comes on the radio, I think about T. We worked together for months. Not talking. Just working. I don't know what happened. I don't know how he could love me so much, and hurt me so badly. But it happened. I still love him. I have a feeling that I'll always love him. But I know, for myself, and my baby...I need to move on.

I miss the days when we lived in the townhouse. We'd spend our free time ordering takeout and T trying to teach me how to play videos games. We'd play with W. We'd sit and talk. Talk about our crappy childhoods. And how badly we wanted our kids to have better lives than we did. We talked a lot! Laughing and enjoying each other. The slightest touch from T, would give me goosebumps all the way to my insides. I miss that. But I know, we've grown in different directions.

Every time I hear this song, I'll think of him. That much I know. Every time I feel our baby move, I think of him. But I'm moving on. I need to. Because I know he's moved on. No matter how much I wanted this to work, he's just not in the same place as I am. H

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